


Wrong Number

by 391780 (goblinparty)



Category: Fargo (2014)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Sexting, Wrong Number AU, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-03-30 10:50:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3934018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goblinparty/pseuds/391780
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(11:45) Found the “Cops are Pussies” sticker you put on my car. Actually, the cop who pulled me over found it.<br/>(11:46) I am going to pull your spine out through your asshole and make you shit your own vertebra.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cops are Pussies

**Author's Note:**

> Mr. Numbers texts are in bold  
> Mr. Wrench's texts are regular  
> Ms. Letters' texts are in italics

**(11:45) Found the “Cops are Pussies” sticker you put on my car. Actually, the cop who pulled me over found it.**

**(11:46) I am going to pull your spine out through your asshole and make you shit your own vertebra.**

(11: 48) Wrong number, but I gotta say, I like your style of revenge.

**(11:46) Shit, I can see it's a wrong number now. New phone, sorry.**

(11:47) No worries. Good luck on your quest for bone-shitting retribution.

**-**

(3:37) I didn't see any stories about corpses with mangled spines on the news. No vengeance?

**(3:41) Not yet. I'm gonna take my time, wait until she think I've forgotten about it, and then get her back.**

(3:43) Do you have a plan yet, or would telling me make me somehow an accomplice in a homicide?

(3:43) You can tell me either way, I'm no narc.

**(3:46) Noted and appreciated, but I think I'm going to go with the classic 'marbles in the hubcap' trick.**

(3:48) What would marbles in the hubcaps even do?

**(3:49) Make a fuckton of noise, & then go really silent when centrifugal force kicks in. She'll freak out about her car and not know what's wrong.**

(3:49) Sounds less costly than attracting pissed off cops. You're letting her off lightly, in my opinion.

**(3:50) Well I would go whole hog on it but she's a) a coworker b) incredibly vengeful & c) my room mate.**

(3:51) A dangerous combination, to be sure. She could make your life hell any number of ways, huh?

**(3:52) I don't know if you recall the whole 'she put a Cops are Pussies sticker on my car' thing, but she already does, in a way.**

**(3:52) I mean don't get me wrong I adore her and she's my best friend, but her being bored is frequently the cause of my misery.**

(3:53) I can relate. I have a brother like that, although it's less prank pulling and more of him doing stupid shit that I have to get him out of.

(3:55) I'm trying to think up some other clever ways for you to get revenge on your roommate, but I think I'm not sneaky enough to come up with anything.

**(3:55) Surely you've gotten revenge on your brother a few times for all the trouble he caused you?**

(3:56) Yeah but I'm not subtle about it, I usually just chuck a wrench or a brick at his head.

(3:56) I guess I'm the kind of person who, if I wanna get back at you, you'll definitely know it was me.

**(3:57) That style of vengeance has it's merits, I suppose, although I am much more prone to secret attacks.**

**(3:57) Speaking of, I gotta go purchase some marbles to put in a certain someone's hubcaps.**

(3:58) Godspeed.

**(3:59) Goodbye, stranger. Thanks for the feedback.**

**-**

(12:30) Did you get your revenge?

**(12:32) Not yet. The marbles have been acquired, though. Now we bide our time.**

**(12:32) Also- it is surprisingly difficult to find marbles anymore! When I was a kid they were fucking everywhere!**

(12:33) Good lord, how old are you, exactly? Ninety?

**(12:34) Oh I'm 300 years old, obviously. A complete crypt-keeper. Every time I cough I dislocate my hip.**

(12:35) Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I was just curious.

**(12:36) You're fine, I'm just teasing. I'm 37.**

**(12:37) Wait- I'm not texting a 14 year old girl, am I? Because no offense, that would be incredibly weird for me.**

(12:38) I'm 25, and also not a girl. Is that OK? I'd like to be kept up to date on Operation Rattlewheel.

**(12:39) 25, huh? Didn't you grow up in the era of Stranger Danger? Because I am the textbook definition of a stranger.**

(12:40) Yeah, but Dad always said MacGruff the crime dog was a dirty snitch so I never listened to him much.

**(12:41) Oh, man, I can tell already that we are gonna be friends. Fuck the crime dog! Fuck the snausage eating stoolie!**

(12:43) LMAO. I always felt bad for the idiots they shoved in those horrible costumes for school assemblies, I bet it's uncomfortable and smelly in there.

**(12:46) As someone who used to hang out with the high school mascot after games, I can verify that they are, in fact, hot and smelly.**

(12:47) You sound like you were a nerd in high school.

**(12:50) Smoking weed under bleachers with a dude in a gigantic wolf costume and his goth boyfriend is anything but nerdy.**

(12:51) I like talking to you. You get more and more interesting with each text.

**(12:52) What can I say? I'm a fascinating man.**

(12:54) You know what? I believe it.

**-**

**(9:45) Should I wear the black shirt with the red tie or the blue shirt with the purple tie? It's going with a black suit.**

(9:46) Still a wrong number.

**(9:49) I know exactly whose number this is- it's my co-conspirator!**

**(9:51) So come on- red and black or purple and blue?**

(9:53) I don't know anything about clothes. I mean, I wear cowboy boots regularly and that's as fancy as I get.

**(9:56) The fact that you called cowboy boots fancy is making me think you're the entirely wrong person to ask.**

(9:57) Pretty much. Purple and blue sounds pretty nice to me, though. Is something important happening?

**(9:58) Not really. I always wear a suit and tie to work.**

(9:59) How classy of you. Are you a lawyer or something?

**(10:00) Definitely not a lawyer. Just a well-dressed gentleman.**

(10:03) I'll have you know I rolled my eyes at that.

**(10:04) And I'll have you know that I was too busy admiring how good the blue and purple look on me to care. Good call.**

(10:06) Oh good. I made one good fashion choice, and it's not even on me.

**(10:08) Ok, so what is it you're usually seen in?**

(10:10) Uh, just clothes? Just, like, worn out jeans and boots and stuff? Goodwill is where I get everything. Whatever's cheapest and warmest, really.

**(10:13) I understand the practicality of that but it didn't stop me from throwing up in my mouth a little bit.**

(10:14) Hey, I like them!

(10:15) Don't you have things to do other than pity my wardrobe?

**(10:16) Sadly yes. But don't think we're done talking about why on earth you wear fucking cowboy boots.**

(10:18) Until next time, Mr. Versace. ;)

**-**

(6:55) HELP

(6:56) S.O.S.

(6:57) I just finished my book and I am so bored. SO BORED. And the library is closed in 3 mins so I can't get a new one until tomorrow.

**(7:04) What were you reading?**

(7:06) Caine Mutiny. I liked it, but I mostly prefer westerns. This just happened to be in the lost and found bin at the restaurant I was at a few days ago.

**(7:08) Do you regularly take stuff from lost and found that isn't yours?**

(7:10) Are you going lecture me on taking free stuff that nobody wants or has claimed?

**(7:12) No, I was going to commend your resourcefulness. I'm not your dad for fucks sake.**

(7:14) LMAO My dad is the one who taught me to do it. “Fuck 'em if they can't keep hold of their own shit” is pretty much the family motto.

**(7:15) My kinda guy. He sounds clever.**

(7:18) He wasn't, really. He just knew how to take advantage to get what he needed. Being poor does that, I guess.

**(7:20) Can't disagree there. Back when I was hard on my luck I'd just outright steal shit.**

**(7:21) Went to a fancy shindig once and just started picking up purses and coats from the coatroom while the clerk was on break.**

**(7:21) I still have a fur coat from that adventure.**

(7:24) So can I assume by the fact that you wear a suit and tie every day that you're rich now?

**(7:26) I'm comfortable.**

(7:28) That's what rich people say when they're talking to poor people.

**(7:30) Yes it is. ;)**

**(7:30) So what's the best thing you've ever pulled out of a lost and found?**

(7:32) My jacket. I got it from a bin at the YMCA. It's warm and looks really cool and it's probably the best thing I own.

**(7:34) Why am I even surprised that your favorite jacket is from a lost and found? Of course it is.**

(7:36) Hey, man, your fur coat is stolen, too, and I bet you loved it when you got it.

**(7:38) ...You have a point. But I still contest that my fur coat has got to be a lot better looking than whatever you pulled out of the YMCA.**

(7:41) Real buckskin with fringe, man. Like John fucking Wayne.

(7:48) Did my rugged masculinity scare you off?

**(7:51) I'm sorry I just spent the past ten minutes trying not to piss myself laughing.**

**(7:52) Holy fucking shit I'm text buddies with Joe Buck. Do you wear a little bandanna around your neck, too?**

(7:55) Your jealousy is soooooooo transparent.

**(7:58) Probably because it's nonexistent.**

(8:00) So what are you up to tonight? Besides making fun of me.

**(8:03) Just a night in. The room mate is out with her favorite boy toy so I get the place to myself.**

(8:04) Oh boy. Operation Rattlewheel in effect yet?

**(8:05) Not yet. I'm waiting an extra month or two. Hit her when she least expects it. By then she'll have pissed off someone else and maybe blame them for it.**

**(8:06) On an entirely different note- I just made some world-class tiramisu and I am really feeling kind of smug about it.**

(8:08) I feel like I'd be happier for you if I knew what that was.

**(8:10) It's a dessert. Sort of like a coffee-flavored layer cake but more complicated. I think you might like it.**

(8:12) You like to cook? Are you pretty good at it?

**(8:15) I do, and I am. My grandmother taught me how, said I'd be married faster if I could be useful in the kitchen.**

**(8:17) The getting married part didn't quite pan out, but it's gotten me laid a few times so I guess it's not a wasted skill.**

(8:19) How does that work, exactly? Someone eats a piece of cake and they just rip your clothes off?

**(8:21) Not exactly. Not to brag, but think if you had some of this tiramisu you'd probably understand the impulse.**

(8:24) That was totally bragging.

**(8:25) You're right. It was. But it's not inaccurate. It's fucking delicious. Fuck, I'm good.**

(8:27) Christ, you're making me hungry. I gotta go get something to eat, which is going to involve a walk to the store, probably.

**(8:30) I'll talk to you later, then!**

(8:30) Enjoy your fancy cake stuff!

-

**(9:12) I'm at a bar and thinking of deviating from my standard whiskey neat. Recommendations for getting blasted?**

(9:16) Tequila and beer always does the trick for me.

**(9:17) I'll try it. What are you up to tonight?**

(9:19) Eating pasta out of the pot I cooked it in while texting a complete stranger and half-watching a nature documentary.

**(9:21) Sorry, didn't mean to distract you from Animal Planet or whatever.**

(9:23) No worries, talking to you is more interesting than watching elephant babies slowly starve to death on TV.

**(9:25) Jesus Christ is that really what's happening?**

(9:26) Well now it's dead so it's mother is mourning it.

**(9:28) Holy God that is depressing.**

(9:31) Hence my willingness to be distracted by a complete stranger via text.

**(9:34) Well, if you're amenable, we can always do a Q &A.**

(9:36) I'm game. Are there rules?

**(9:38) Uh, we go back and forth, one question at a time, and you can pass on whatever you want without harassment. Amenable?**

(9:39) I'm not entirely sure what that last word means but I'm totally fine with all that.

**(9:41) It pretty much means 'agreeable'.**

(9:43) Why not just say that instead?

**(9:46) I believe it's been previously established that I am a fancy man.**

(9:48) Don't you mean 'mildly pretentious'? ;)

**(9:51) I'd argue with you if I wasn't being accused of that every other day by the people I work with.**

**(9:52) But I digress, let's start. Dog or cat person?**

(9:54) Both, but I like dogs a bit more because they're easier to train and play with. How about you?

**(9:56) I'd say cats, but I'm profoundly allergic and haven't been able to really get to know any.**

**(9:58) Dogs always bury their noses in my balls which makes me less fond of them.**

**(10:00) My turn- How do you take your coffee? Or do you prefer tea?**

(10:02) I take my coffee as black as my soul.

**(10:03) That's cute, I'm stealing that next time I get a cute waitress in a diner.**

(10:03) Are you originally from ND? I just don't meet many locals who are as particular about their clothes as you.

**(10:05) East coast native, but I'm not getting more specific than that. How about you?**

(10:07) No, but I'm not saying where, specifically.

**(10:08) How mysterious!**

(10:08) Guilty pleasure?

**(10:10) God, this could be a list. The only one I'm giving you is Scrunyuns, though. I love that shit, but I'm pretty sure if I eat enough of them I'll die.**

**(10:13) Pet peeve?**

(10:15) When people don't face me straight-on when they're talking to me.

**(10:16) Really? Why is that?**

(10:18) Pass.

**(10:19) !**

(10:20) What did you end up drinking?

**(10:21) Beer and tequila, which was recommended by one of my more fascinating friends. A fucking good choice, man.**

**(10:23) What on earth are you doing texting an old man like me tonight?**

(10:23) I don't know. I just like talking to you, I guess. I told you that.

**(10:24) Surely you have other people you could be texting on a Friday night? Pretty girls? Pretty boys? Both?**

(10:24) What makes you think you're the only one I'm texting right now?

**(10:25) Response speed, for one.**

(10:36) Oh yeah?

**(10:37) I'll bet anything you sat and stared at your phone for the entire 11 minutes you kept me waiting, you punk.**

(10:39) Sounds like you're not texting anyone else, either, old man.

**(10:41) I don't have to, I'm at a bar with my room mate. I'm out being sociable. Ish.**

(10:43 You said I kept you waiting, though. You were waiting. You were bored without me. Admit it, you adore me.

**(10:45) I admit nothing. Only that watching the roommate get thrown by a mechanical bull is incredibly fun to watch.**

(10:46) CAP?

**(10:47) CAP?**

(10:48) Sorry, I mentally nicknamed her CAP and forgot to tell you. Cops are Pussies, you know.

**(10:48) Ha! I like that, though. I'll have to start using that too.**

(10:50) Are you drunk enough to tell me what you look like, yet?

**(10:52) Are you asking for a photo?**

(10:54) Maybe sometime in the future, but I'm just curious to hear how you would describe yourself.

**(10:56) Devastatingly handsome is how I would describe myself.**

(10:58) I just rolled my eyes so hard it hurt a little.

**(11:00) Ok, fine. A little under 6 foot, dark hair, brown eyes, strong cheekbones, thick glorious beard. And not a grey hair on me.**

(11:03) A beard, huh? Are we talking about a big, long mountain man beard or...?

**(11:04) We're talking a thick, well groomed specimen of manliness, here.**

(11:05) Sounds impressive.

**(11:05) Oh, I am.**

(11:05) Your humility is inspiring.

**(11:06) Humility is for people who don't know how great they are. I am very, very aware of my greatness.**

**(11:06) Gotta go, CAP is giving me shit for texting and not paying attention to her bull riding.**

**(11:08) Enjoy your dead baby elephants and the mental image of my beautiful face.**

(11:10) Enjoy your drunken bar antics and deep seated narcissism, talk to you later.

-

_(11:45) Aussie wants me to ask you if you stole his cell phone._

_(_ **11:47) Why isn't he asking me himself?**

_(11:48) Probably because his phone is missing, dumbass._

**(11:50) OK, got me there, but why on earth would I steal his cell phone?**

_(11:51) Because you're a devious little shit?_

**(11:52) Coming from you? The most devious of all little shits?**

_(11:53) I'm flattered, darling, but do you have it or not?_

**(11:53) No, I do not. Ask him if he's checked his jacket pocket.**

**(12:15) Was it in his jacket pocket?**

_(12:15) Yeah. He's so embarrassed and it's super cute._

_(12:16) So that begs the question, whose phone were you on all last night?_

**(12:16) Mine.**

_(12:17) No, your phone is black. That one was white._

**(12:17) I'm sort of surprised you weren't too drunk to notice, Miss Rodeo Queen.**

_(12:18) Don't change the subject! You were being weird, texting all night with a big stupid smile on your face! You NEVER smile unless someone is bleeding!_

_(12:18) Come on! Fess up! Who were you texting? Everyone you know was at the bar last night!_

**(12:19) I'll have you know I know more people than just Fargo employees. Besides, what do you care?**

_(12:20) Oh my god- do you have a girlfriend now? Is that what this is? A sexting burner phone? Are you finally getting laid??_

**(12:21) It's a burner from work, and I promise you it's not a girlfriend.**

_(12:22) BOYFRIEND, THEN?????_

_(12:23) I always knew you were a cockmonster!_

**(12:23) I'm going back to work now. There's a guy on the rooftop across from mine who needs to not be alive anymore.**

_(12:24) Wait, are you seriously not going to tell me?_

_(12:30) HEY COME ON NOW_

_(12:35) DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING, BRO_

_(12:37) BRO SERIOUSLY_

_(12:40) Ugh, fine. But don't think this is over, mister!_

_-_

(3:33) I hope whoever invented ice fishing is burning in hell right now. This is has got the be the most pointless bullshit I've ever been subjected to.

**(3:36) Jesus Christ why are you doing that?**

(3:40) My brother always wanted to try it and didn't want to go alone, which I'm pretty sure means he just didn't want to have to drill the hole.

(3:41) It's so fucking boring out here.

**(3:43) Fishing is boring in general, but adding being fucking frozen to the mix seems like it ought to be a deterrent.**

(3:46) You would not believe how many crusty old guys are out here, though! There's, like, a billion people out here.

(3:49) Is this weird?

**(3:50) I have always been of the opinion that ice fishing is weird.**

(3:52) No, sorry, I meant this. Us. What we're doing.

**(3:54) Does it bother you? Because we can stop.**

(3:55) No, no, I don't want to stop. To be honest, you're the only person I talk to besides my brother.

(3:57) Sad, right?

**(3:59) Christ, I thought MY circle of friends was small.**

(4:01) It's sort of hard for me to make friends is all.

**(4:03) Really? That's surprising. You seem pretty friendly to me.**

(4:05) That's because you're fun to talk to and not a complete dickhead.

**(4:06) I know quite a few people who would disagree with you on that last point.**

(4:07) Well then THEY'RE the dickheads.

**(4:09) I'm starting to like you more and more, kid.**

(4:11) But you don't mind talking to me? I feel like I'm some annoying kid to you that you're just humoring.

**(4:13) I don't humor anyone, really. If I hated talking to you I'd have told you to fuck off and chucked this phone into a lake by now.**

(4:15) I can't tell if I find that comforting or not.

**(4:17) Take it for what it is. I don't find you annoying and I enjoy talking with you. Weird or not, we're both getting something out of this.**

(4:20) … What are you getting out of this?

**(4:22) Like I said, my circle of friends is small. It's nice to have someone new where I don't have to keep up appearances.**

**(4:24) For example, besides my room mate, you're the only one who knows I bake and cook and stuff.**

(4:27) I'll never tell a soul.

**(4:30) You better not if you want me to cook for you ever.**

(4:31) Is that something that could happen? Us meeting up and you cooking, I mean?

**(4:34) I mean, it's not outside the realm of possibility, but it's potentially dangerous for us.**

(4:37) Yeah, for all I know you're a serial murderer who wears nice suits and bakes tiara miso.

**(4:41) Tiramisu. And for all I know you're a business competitor trying to get blackmail out of me.**

(4:41) Except you texted me first, remember?

**(4:43) Oh. Right. But you get my point.**

(4:46) Yeah, I understand. Maybe when we've known each other longer?

**(4:50) Yeah, kid. Maybe. I'd definitely cook for you, too. I have the hunch you're living off fast food and microwave burritos.**

(4:52) That is disturbingly accurate... although my brother just caught a fish so I guess we're eating fish tonight.

**(4:52) Congratulations to him.**

(4:55) Thanks. I have to go, game warden's here and apparently we don't have a license. Talk to you later?

**(4:57) Ha! Good luck outrunning the fish and wildlife cops.**

**(4:58) And yeah, man, of course I'll talk to you later.**

-

**(10:33) Out of curiosity, what's your mental nickname for me?**

(10:33) Just Numbers, I guess. I don't have you saved as anything, so whenever I see a string of numbers pop up I know it's you.

(10:34) Sorry, it's a pretty lame nickname.

(10:34) I don't suppose you have one for me?

**(10:35) I have you saved in my phone as Wrench.**

(10:35) What? Why?

**(10:35) You mentioned your style of vengeance involves throwing wrenches. I like how bold that is, so it just stuck with me.**

**(10:40) Do you not like it?**

(10:41) Sorry! Yeah, I like it. A little surprised you remembered that, actually.

**(10:41) Like I said, it stuck with me.**

**(10:45) I just realized something.**

**(10:46) You know what I look like, but I have no idea what you look like.**

(10:47) Very tall.

**(10:49) That's it? Just 'very tall'?**

(10:50) Uh, copper hair, I guess. Blue/green eyes. Sideburns. That's all I can think of.

**(10:52) Freckles?**

(10:53) Only in the summer.

(10:55) Do you get freckles?

**(10:58) No, I just burn like a motherfucker. It's super embarrassing.**

(10:58) Can I ask you something kind of personal? You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

**(11:00) I guess?**

(11:02) You mentioned that you're fairly well off, but you have a room mate. Is she your girlfriend or?

**(11:04) Fuck no. Fuuuuck no. We're just best friends.**

(11:05) Sorry, I just wondered. Why have a room mate at all?

**(11:07) Partially because what I save on rent I can spend on suits, and partially because I enjoy her company.**

(11:09) When she's not vandalizing your car, you mean.

**(11:12) Ha, yeah. She's a human hurricane, but she keeps my life interesting, I guess. I've had worse room mates.**

(11:15) Oh yeah?

**(11:17) I used to live with this squirrelly little Australian guy who, I shit you not, spent an absurd amount of time trying to figure out how he could suck his own dick.**

**(11:20) He hurt his neck a lot trying to do that.**

(11:23) ...But did he ever succeed?

**(11:26) No. I ended up introducing him to CAP and now she does it for him. Safer that way, probably. Loneliness and creativity make people do absurd things.**

(11:29) Like texting total strangers on a regular basis.

**(11:31) Yeah. Like that. Except neither of us is gonna end up in a neck brace because of it.**

**(11:32) Probably.**

(11:33) LMAO. I was thinking about what you said the other day, about if we ever met up you would cook for me, and I cannot think of anything I could do for you in return.

**(11:35) … Are you offering to suck my dick?**

(11:36) Oh my God. That was not where I was going at all!

(11:37) I was just thinking I can't eat your food and not do something for you!

**(11:38) Damn, too bad. ;)**

**(11:38) I bet your face is so red right now.**

**(11:39) You could always do the dishes for me, I guess. That's by far my least favorite part of cooking.**

(11:41) I can do that. Oh my god I'm so mortified, that was the worst transition possible.

(11:43) I feel like I should go before I embarrass myself further.

**(11:45) Do what you gotta do, but honestly, it's fine. I laughed pretty fucking hard imagining you all flustered and red faced.**

(11:48) Promise you'll let me live this down?

**(11:50) No fucking way. It's too funny. But I won't mention it to anyone else.**

(11:51) ...Does anyone else know you text me?

**(11:53) Uh, not really. CAP thinks I'm texting a secret lover or something, but I think that's wishful thinking on her part.**

**(11:55) Does anyone know you text me?**

(11:56) And get a safety lecture? Pass. I hope you don't mind me keeping you a secret.

**(11:59) Nah, probably for the best. Less annoyance from others.**

**(12:00) Aw, shit, I just noticed the time. I have a meeting in the morning, so I should turn in.**

(12:01) Yeah, I should go to bed too. Goodnight, Mr. Numbers.

**(12:03) Goodnight, Mr. Wrench.**

 

 

 


	2. Phoenix Farms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (11:15) Do you know a humane way to get rid of mice?
> 
> (11:17) I don't exactly do humane. Killing is the easiest way to get rid of pests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Numbers text is in bold  
> Wrench's text is regular  
> Letters' text is in italics

(11:15) Do you know a humane way to get rid of mice?

**(11:17) I don't exactly do humane. Killing is the easiest way to get rid of pests.**

(11:19) Yeah, my brother is the same way. It's just a mouse, though. I can't blame it for trying to stay alive in this frozen fucking wasteland!

(11:21) Hell, I can only relate, you know?

( **11:24) Think of it as a squatter. Little shit isn't helping pay rent, you know.**

(11:26) I was a squatter not too long ago. You're only making me empathize more, Numbers!

**(11:28) You were a squatter?**

(11:31) ...I don't think I should have told you that.

**(11:33) Hey, I'm not judging.**

**(11:34) I'll never tell anyone anything that you tell me. OK? Think of me as a priest bound by sacrament or whatever.**

(11:35) I didn't take you as being particularly religious.

**(11:37) I used to be, but definitely not Catholic.**

**(11:40) Besides the point- what we say to each other, it's just between us. OK?**

(11:42) OK, yeah, agreed.

**(11:44) But going back to the mouse- best I can come up with is kill it quickly. Don't make it suffer. Just end it fast.**

**(11:47) I wish I could think of something better, but I can't.**

(11:50) You're probably right. I've gone hunting before, I don't mind killing so long as it's got a purpose, you know?

(11:51) But just killing it because it's living here seems sort of pointless. It's just a mouse, for fucks sake.

**(11:53) Think of it this way- you have to get it out of your place. Those things will give you goddamn hantavirus.**

**(11:54) Your options are either a) kill it quickly and painlessly or b) go to a lot of effort to trap it alive, toss it outside, and let it slowly freeze/starve to death.**

(11:57) That's a really good point.

(11:59) Have you ever gone hunting?

**(12:04) Yes and no? Does it count if I've never shot an animal?**

(12:05) I guess that counts. I'm surprised, I never took you as an outdoorsy person.

**(12:07) I'm not, as a general rule, but I can appreciate the outdoors in short bursts. Preferably in the summer.**

**(12:09) I bet you're outdoorsy as fuck, though.**

(12:11) Yeah, I like being outside a lot. I think it comes from not having tv or anything as a kid. All there was to do was read and go exploring or whatever.

(12:12) Speaking of, I don't suppose you know any good hiking or camping areas in ND?

**(12:13) I'm not sure. I'll ask CAP, she goes out into the woods occasionally.**

(12:14) Fuck, I gotta go. Bro landed us a job putting up a fence and we start right fucking now, apparently.

**(12:15) You guys work as freelance laborers or something?**

(12:16) Pretty much. Talk to you later! I'll let you know how the mouse hunt goes.

 -

(7:57) I'm pretty sure North Dakota winters are going to kill me.

**(8:04) I'll keep my eyes peeled for news stories about giant gingery cowboys found frozen to death in a snowbank.**

(8:06) I'll bequeath unto you my buckskin jacket and a bag of Scrunyuns.

(8:08) I just don't know if I'm ever going to be able to get used to the cold, honestly. My brother says we will, but I seriously doubt it.

**(8:10) I've been in this fucking icehole for the better part of a decade and I can tell you that I am still not used to it.**

(8:13) That's not comforting.

**(8:15) I don't do comforting. Just honest.**

**(8:17) Well... honest when it suits me. And honest with you, always.**

(8:18) You're saying you don't lie to me?

**(8:21) I feel like if I don't want to tell you something, I can say so and you'll be smart enough to drop it.**

**(8:22) Am I right?**

(8:25) Yeah, of course. I don't figure you're someone to push, you know? And I don't want to give you a reason to stop talking to me.

**(8:27) Excellent. I knew I liked you.**

**(8:28) But yeah, the cold's a bitch. Do you come from somewhere really warm?**

(8:31) Let's just say that I had only seen snow in movies before I moved here.

**(8:33) Is it everything you hoped?**

(8:34) Worse.

**(8:35) Ha! My best advice is to load up on wool socks and try to find a good pair of gloves. And those little pocket sized heat packs.**

(8:38) Can I ask you a personal question?

**(8:40) You can always ask. No guarantee I'll answer.**

(8:42) Why would someone who hates the cold and wears suits every day come to North Dakota?

**(8:47) A combination of work and running away from my problems.**

(8:47) What do you do?

**(8:50) Lots of different things, but I'm not going to get too specific about it.**

(8:53) OK, but just know that I am going start thinking you're a gigolo or a stripper or something. ;)

**(8:55) Ha! You wish, kid.**

**(8:57) How about you? What made you leave your formerly warm residence and substitute it for this godforsaken tundra?**

(8:59) Running away from my problems, same as you, except I don't have a permanent job yet.

**(9:02) Did it work? Running away, I mean?**

(9:05) Actually, yeah. People love to say that it doesn't work but so far it is.

(9:07) How about you?

**(9:09) Same. Been over 7 years and it hasn't caught up to me yet. Something to be said for living in a miserable shithole, I guess.**

(9:13) I guess North Dakota is so miserable even trouble doesn't want to come here.

**(9:14) Ha, I wouldn't go that far. CAP still lives here, you know.**

(9:16) How is she?

**(9:18) She pissed off someone at work and now her car makes a fuckton of noise when she moves, then gets quiet, then gets loud again.**

**(9:19) As if her hubcaps had marbles in them or something. ;)**

(9:22) OPERATION RATTLEWHEEL IS IN EFFECT!

**(9:23) It's slightly backfiring, though. I've gotten 15 texts in 15 minutes all to the effect of “HELP WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CARS???”**

(9:25) LMAO

(9:26) Out of curiosity, do you know much about cars?

**(9:28) I know how to operate one, that's about it. How about you?**

(9:30) Total gearhead. My car is my baby.

**(9:32) Why am I not surprised you're a car guy. Are there any other super macho qualities to you, Mr. Outdoorsy Cowboy Mechanic?**

(9:35) I played football in high school.

**(9:37) Of COURSE you did.**

(9:38) Did you do sports?

**(9:38) Hell no. No sports or clubs or anything like that. I just wanted to keep my head down, do my time, and graduate.**

(9:40) I bet you were a goth kid.

**(9:42) I don't think those had been invented yet.**

(9:45) Hey, not to cut things short again, but I think I need to leave. Bro is insisting we go to a bar tonight and he gets pissy if I text the whole time.

**(9:47) Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.**

(9:50) I get that feeling that isn't a long list.

**(9:51) Oh, it's not. ;)**

 -

**(1:16) I just watched a guy slip around on ice for about 5 whole seconds before finally falling and it's probably the best thing I've seen all week.**

**(1:18) I'm just sitting inside with hot coffee and nowhere to be while watching total strangers fall on their asses. What a great day so far.**

(1:20) Oh man, that reminds me I need to go out and get new boots soon. The ones I'm wearing have almost no tread on them.

**(1:23) The cowboy boots?**

(1:25) Yeah. I'll have to save them for summer or something.

**(1:25) I have to ask- what's with the cowboy stuff? The jacket, the boots, all that?**

**(1:26) Oh God, do you have a stetson??**

(1:28) LMAO, no, I don't have a stetson. Or a bolo tie, before you ask.

(1:30) But, man, I don't know, I just like it. I always thought cowboys were tough and cool, two things I've always wanted to be.

**(1:32) Are you? Tough and cool, I mean?**

(1:34) Tough, sure. I can hold my own in a fight and I'm pretty strong. I don't know about cool. A very fashionable man makes fun of my clothing choices a lot. :p

**(1:35) I'd apologize but I'm genuinely not sorry. :p**

(1:36) So what are you doing today?

**(1:39) I don't have work for a few days so I'm just cleaning and seriously contemplating making cheesecake.**

**(1:40) How about you?**

(1:42) I just finished my book and now I'm sitting around craving cheesecake.

**(1:43) Ha! What book?**

(1:45) Some cheesy bodice-ripper from the lost and found at the bus station. I cannot believe people read this shit in public.

(1:46) Hell, I'm embarrassed to be seen with it in my house.

**(1:48) You still read it, though!**

(1:50) Well yeah, the sex scenes are hilarious. They try to be explicit and somehow still tasteful and wind up being absurd.

(1:51) Stop calling it a 'moist womanhood' and call it a wet pussy for fucks sake. We all know it's what you mean!

**(1:53) I just snorted so hard my sinuses hurt, oh my fucking god.**

(1:54) These things are fucking terrible, man. I'll keep reading them though. They're so bad they're entertaining.

**(1:55) Like Nicolas Cage movies?**

(1:56) YOU TAKE THAT BACK. CON AIR IS A CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE.

( **1:59) Even with that fucking awful accent?**

(2:00) Accent?

**(2:02) Seriously? That twangy inbred redneck almost-but-not-quite-southern bullshit he sort of mumbled out throughout the entire film? You missed that?**

(2:04) I suppose now is the time that I should tell you I'm from the south...

**(2:06) Fuck, sorry. That does explain a lot, mostly your clothes. I sort of took you for a Californian or something.**

**(2:07) Do you have an accent?**

(2:10) I have been told that I do, though its probably not the one you're imagining in your head.

**(2:11) Like Creole or something?**

(2:13) Or something.

**(2:14) Huh. I used to have a pretty thick New York accent, but it's faded out by now. At least I don't have the midwest thing going on, though.**

(2:16) You're from New York? Do you miss it?

**(2:18) Yeah, sometimes. Mostly I miss people ignoring me in public. I'm still not entirely used to the super chipper 'midwest nice'.**

(2:20) It's worse in the south. Everybody always wants to chat, wants to do small talk. I hate it.

(2:22) Just give me my change and let me pump my gas, I don't wanna talk to you about the weather or whatever it is you're talking about.

**(2:24) You and me, Wrench, we are birds of a feather. I feel the exact same way. Get to business, get on with it, get out. Don't waste my time and I won't waste yours.**

(2:27) I knew you would understand! My brother thinks I'm rude but I'm not! I've never been mean to a waitress or a cashier, I just don't engage! That's not rude, is it?

**(2:30) I don't think so, but then CAP calls me a rude motherfucker over it, too, so I guess I'm not the person to ask.**

**(2:32) Granted, CAP loves chatting with people because she can get them to tell her some pretty interesting gossip and shit about people she doesn't know.**

(2:34) Sounds like CAP would make an excellent private detective.

**(2:36) She makes an excellent amateur detective, to be sure. Which reminds me-she found the marbles!**

(2:39) OH NO! Does she know it's you?

**(2:41) No, and I hope she never finds out. I've heard her muttering to herself about a mechanics bill and revenge and I do NOT want to be on the receiving end of it.**

**(2:42) The last time she got vengeful with someone she gave them a handjob with nair as a lubricant. Poor bastard's balls were sore for days, apparently.**

(2:43) LMAO, the poor bastard! That is fucking evil and I am both horrified and deeply impressed.

**(2:45) She has that impact, yeah. I'm one of her closes friends and I'm still a little scared of her.**

**(2:46) Speak of the devil, sounds like she's home and brought some coworkers over. I should go be sociable or something before she snarks at me.**

(2:48) Have fun!

 -

**(6:12) By any chance, are you in the Phoenix Farms in West Fargo right now?**

**(6:13) Because I'm looking at an absurdly tall redhead with sideburns and goddamn cowboy boots and I can't help but think of you.**

(6:15) No, I'm not. But I think you might have found my brother. Army jacket and red scarf?

**(6:16) Yeah, actually.**

(6:17) That's him. Oh my god please don't say anything to him.

**(6:18) I won't, that would be way too weird for everyone involved. Damn, are you that tall too?**

(6:20) Uh, so fun fact I may or may not have mentioned- we're identical twins.

**(6:23) Holy shit? So that's what you look like?**

(6:24) Disappointed?

**(6:26) Hardly. You're much more attractive than you led me to believe!**

(6:28) You really think I'm attractive?

**(6:28) Well, I mean, I think your brother has a nice face, so assuming you're a perfect match I'm gonna go ahead and say yeah, man. You're handsome.**

(6:30) I'm grinning like an idiot over here. Thank you.

**(6:32) I'll bet you have a nice smile. Your bro is just scowling at the world (or maybe just the canned corn) so it's hard to tell.**

**(6:34) So you live in Fargo, huh? Small world.**

(6:37) You know, I was just thinking the other day that before we started texting it was possible we'd have passed each other or been in an elevator together and not known.

(6:39) God, I'm so mad at myself, he asked if I wanted to go with him and I said no! I feel so stupid!

**(6:41) If it helps at all, if you had said 'Yes I am in the store' I would have probably hidden.**

(6:43) Why would you do that?

**(6:45) Instinct. If we meet, I want to have it planned out, you know? I'dve gotten flustered probably.**

(6:47) Are you a bit of a control freak, Numbers?

**(6:49) CAP says I am. I disagree, but I guess I'm starting to see what she means. I just don't do well with surprises.**

**(6:50) God, I feel like such a creep, I can't stop looking at him and I feel like he's gonna notice and get weirded out.**

**(6:51) It's just so strange and cool to see your face, even though it's not really you.**

(6:56) Fuck, I'm still so mad at myself for not going with him. I wonder if I would even recognize you if I saw you.

**(6:58) Maybe? I mean, there's a million men with beards running around Fargo, but few as well dressed as I am.**

(7:01) I feel like every time I see a dark haired dude in a suit I'm gonna get whiplash trying to see if they have a beard or not.

**(7:02) Oh, wow, I just saw his eyes. That's a nice color.**

**(7:05) I feel like a stalker. Is it weird I'm texting this stuff to you?**

(7:07) I'm kind of enjoying it, strangely enough. Getting ogled by proxy, LMAO.

**(7:10) Oh my god it isn't like that!**

(7:12) Oh no? Shame. ;)

**(7:14) I am going to the checkout and get out of here before I die of embarrassment. This is just so weird.**

 -

**(7:30) HELP MAYDAY MAYDAY I NEED ADVICE**

_(7:33) This better be worth pausing my porn for._

**(7:35) Christ I hope you're not texting from the living room.**

**(7:35) BUT ANYWAYS I need your help with something top secret. If you tell anyone what I am about to divulge to you, I will flay you alive.**

_(7:37) You fucking drama queen. Dish. Tell me everything._

**(7:40) OK so I've been texting this guy and it was sort of a wrong number situation that turned into texting buddies or whatever**

**(7:41) Which is great because he's fun and smart and also it's fairly anonymous but I ran into his twin brother who is HOT. SO HOT. I WAS UNPREPARED.**

**(7:43) And it's fucking me up because before it was just, like, detached. Fun but slightly distant.**

_(7:45) Like an emotional glory hole?_

**(7:47) A disgusting yet surprisingly accurate analogy.**

_(7:50) And now you've both stepped out of your metaphorical bathroom stalls and all of a sudden it's all real and less detached than you're comfortable with._

_(7:52) And you're looking at your wet, half-hard, dripping dick and thinking 'what have I gotten myself into?'_

**(7:55) I appreciate your insightfulness but I will give you anything to drop this metaphor before I vomit.**

**(7:57) But yeah, I think I'm catching feelings and it's making me queasy. He's just a kid.**

_(7:59) Oh, darling, don't pursue a minor. That shit's gross._

**(8:00) He's 25.**

_(8:02) Oh, play away, then. Have fun with your boytoy. So you saw his twin, right? They're identical?_

**(8:03) Yeah, apparently.**

_(8:04) So do you think he has a big dick, judging by the brother?_

**(8:06) Christ, woman!**

**(8:07) … and yeah, probably. He's fucking tall. Like, 6'3” or something? Gigantic.**

_(8:08) I swear tall dudes have the biggest wangs. When you guys finally meet up and fuck I expect a detailed description of his cock._

**(8:09) Who says we're meeting up? I'm still trying to decide what to do about this!**

_(8:11) Fuck and run?_

**(8:13) Yeah, except I like him. Like, I actually give a shit and that's so unnerving. I don't actually know this guy, I don't owe him anything.**

_(8:15) Wait- are you actually worried about hurting him? You remember your job is to hurt people, right?_

**(8:17) It's not a job, I'm not getting paid for this. Fuck, I think I actually give a damn about this guy. I actually paid for his brother's groceries.**

_(8:20) WHAT???? That is so??? I??WHAT?????_

_(8:22) Hooooly shit, that's so nice and he's a stranger and YOU OF ALL PEOPLE do not do nice things for anyone, let alone strangers????_

**(8:25) Shut up, it's just groceries. He mentioned not having a job and being poor, I thought it would help. It's not a big deal.**

_(8:27) Maybe for some people, but for YOU, Mr. Misanthrope, it's a huge deal. You may as well have written a sappy love poem or sent roses or some shit._

_(8:28) OMG when's the wedding?? I am STOKED to be proven right about the secret boyfriend thing!_

**(8:30) You're no help. Go back to your porn**.

_(8:31) But this is SO much more interesting!_

_(8:35) Hey! Come on!_

_(8:35) Don't think we're not talking about this when you get home! I'm gonna bake a penis shaped cake for you! Complete with jizz frosting!_

 -

(8:40) Did you pay for our groceries?

**(8:42) Is that not OK?**

(8:43) I'm not, like, mad or anything. Just curious. Why would you do that?

**(8:44) Two reasons. #1. You mentioned not having a regular job and being a bit hard up, I figured least I can do is buy my friend and his brother dinner.**

(8:45) And #2?

**(8:47) I wanted to give your brother a reason to remember my face, so he could tell you what I look like.**

**(8:47) Help give you a better idea, I guess. So maybe you can can recognize me if you see me.**

(8:50) He said you look like Captain Haddock in a pinstripe suit.

**(8:51) Oh, for fucks sake! Did he really?? That little shit!**

(8:53) LMAO. Anyways, thanks. It's incredibly nice of you. Like, I kinda knew we were friends but it's nice to have proof like that.

(8:54) If I can ever return the favor, let me know, OK?

**(8:56) Will do. I just got called in to work, so I'll talk to you later, OK?**

(8:59) OK. Thanks again, Numbers. This really means a lot to me.

 -

(3:19) I just found a $20 on the ground and now I feel like a rich person. I'm debating getting a new jacket or new gloves.

 -

(4:10) I caught the fucking mouse. That thing was so fat, I feel less terrible about killing the little mooch.

 -

(8:56) What are you up to today?

 -

(12:38) Are you angry with me? Did I do something wrong?

 -

(9:13) Is everything OK?

 -

(5:36) Please, if I did something wrong, tell me. I want to fix this. I don't want to ruin our friendship.

 -

(8:45) Please, Numbers, I don't want to be alone again.

 -

(7:00) I'm sorry.

 -

(8:58) Please come back.

 -

**(12:15) [voicemail] “Hey, Wrench, it's, uh, Numbers. I had an accident at work and had to got laid up for a few days. Anyways, my phone was destroyed but I'll text you as soon as I can. I can't tell you how many times I reached into my pocket to text you out of habit. It's weird not talking to you. Anyways, uh, I hope you're doing OK, and, uh, I miss you. Uh, bye, I guess.”**

 -

**(2:45) Hey, it's Numbers (on a new phone!) Did you get my voicemail?**

(2:46) I got a voicemail but I didn't recognize the number so I ignored it. What's going on? You've been ignoring me for the past week.

**(2:48) The voicemail will explain it. Plus you can hear the sultry sounds of my voice. Lucky you.**

(2:53) That's not possible.

**(2:54) Did you delete it? Should I just call you now so you don't miss out on the experience of the audio velvet that is my voice?**

(2:55) I didn't delete it, and you can't call. Well, I mean, you could, but there's no point.

(2:56) I'm deaf.

**(2:57) Oh. That explains some things.**

(3:00) Sorry. I was going to tell you, but it never seemed relevant. I just didn't want you to pity me and treat me like a child.

**(3:02) I'm not the type to pity people. Ask anyone.**

**(3:03) But anyways, the voicemail was just about how I got into an accident at work and got my phone destroyed in the process.**

**(3:04) Can't exactly go to Verizon when you're laid up.**

(3:06) Holy shit, what happened?! Are you OK?

**(3:08) Don't worry about it. I'm fine now. It was just really, really boring not being able to talk to you for a few days.**

(3:09) Are you saying you missed me?

**(3:11) Yeah, I kinda did. I didn't realize how much we talk until I couldn't talk to you anymore.**

(3:13) I don't suppose you somehow got any of the texts I sent while you were gone?

**(3:15) No, I didn't. I can't even imagine how you felt, having me drop off the face of the planet like that.**

(3:17) I freaked out a little. Sent a bunch of really needy texts. I'm glad you didn't see them.

**(3:18) I didn't mean to freak you out so bad. Next time I'll warn you before I get hurt.**

**(3:19) So, uh, if it's not too indelicate to ask, how do you communicate with people irl? Like do you sign or write notes or?**

(3:20) My brother and I sign. Mostly I just let him talk to people for me. If I'm alone I write notes, but mostly I just avoid people.

(3:22) The second they realize I can't hear they put on this expression that drips with pity and it makes me want to tear their faces off.

**(3:25) Yeah, I imagine that would get old super fucking fast.**

(3:26) It does. I mostly ignore them and they think I'm super rude. It's win-win, really, they don't pity me AND they get mad and leave me alone.

**(3:29) I can see what you meant about not making friends easily.**

(3:31) Pretty much. But I have you now, so that's nice.

(3:32) I'm really, really glad you're OK. I was so worried I had somehow pissed you off. Are you out of the hospital now?

**(3:34) I'm home now, sitting on a couch with a small army of pill bottles in front of me. I'm gonna need a gallon of water to get all this shit down.**

(3:36) Were you hurt pretty bad, then?

**(3:38) I'll live.**

**(3:38) Can I tell you something?**

(3:40) Anything.

**(3:41) When I got hurt, before I passed out, I remember wondering who was going to tell you what happened to me.**

**(3:43) CAP says when I was all drugged up that I asked her to text you, but my phone was destroyed and I was too high to remember the number.**

(3:44) I'm sort of surprised you remembered my number even when you sobered up.

**(3:46) Your number is literally only one number off of CAP's. Not hard to remember since I know hers.**

(3:50) I have yours memorized too. I just see it every time you text me, so it got stuck in my brain.

(3:52) I better let you rest and get settled in. I'm so glad you're OK. I really missed you.

**(3:54) Feeling's mutual, kid. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Lord knows I'll be bored to tears by bedrest.**

(3:56) I look forward to it.

 -

**(5:32) Hey, if I didn't say it before, thanks for destroying my phones for me. It'd be humiliating to have that shit fall into Duluth's hands.**

_(5:34) Of course, darling. Can't let the rivals get ahold of your little love notes. How's the bullet wound healing up?_

**(5:37) Slowly. There's nothing on TV and I've already read all of the books in the house, and I don't want to pester Wrench into entertaining me some more.**

_(5:39) Wrench?_

**(5:41) You usually refer to him as 'loverboy' or my 'plaything'.**

_(5:43) Ahhhh. Well, in that case I'll send Nurse Aussie over. He just got back from a trip to Seattle so I'm sure he's got stories to regale you with._

**(5:45) Don't you fucking dare. Leave an old man to heal in peace.**

_(5:47) Too late, the text is sent. I told him to bring Scrunyuns and throw them at your mouth whenever you grump at him._

**(5:49) I hate you.**

_(5:51) You love me. I'll be back from St. Paul this weekend. Til then, rest up, drink plenty of fluids, and try not to jerk yourself raw._

**(5:53) Actually, can you do me one last favor? Can you have Aussie bring me a book on American Sign Language?**

**(5:55) I figure it might be useful for us to know so we can talk in the field without being overheard.**

_(5:56) Sure, darling. Good idea. I'll let him know._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the kind feedback on the first chapter! I still have more planned for these two, don't you worry!


	3. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (7:44) Only half a week left before I'm cleared to go back to work and I am SO BORED. Tell me a story, Wrench.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where is gets NSFW! Sexting ahoy!
> 
> As always-  
> Numbers texts are in bold  
> Wrench's texts are regular  
> Letters' texts are in italics

**(7:44) Only half a week left before I'm cleared to go back to work and I am SO BORED. Tell me a story, Wrench.**

(7:47) I only know one off-hand, but it's funnier if you tell it in ASL. I mean, I guess it's funny in English, but it's better signed.

**(7:49) Tell me anyways.**

(7:50) OK, so there's this lumberjack. He goes out into the woods and finds a tree. He chops it down, he yells TIMBER and it falls.

(7:52) He goes further into the forest. He finds another tree, a little bit bigger. He chops, chops, chops, yells TIMBER, and it falls down.

(7:52)He spends his day doing this, chopping trees, yelling timber, watching them fall. Suddenly, he finds a HUGE tree. It's beautiful, healthy, perfect.

(7:54) He chops chops chops, yells TIMBER, but it doesn't fall. He keeps chopping away until there's only a splinter holding the tree up. He yells TIMBER, but the tree still stands.

(7:57) He goes back to town to find a tree doctor. He takes the tree doctor to the tree, and the doctor inspects it, tapping and poking and holding up his stethoscope to it.

(7:59) The doctor goes back to the Lumberjack and tells him to stand back. He fingerspells T-I-M-B-E-R, and the tree falls with a loud and sudden crash.

(8:03) The Lumberjack asks the tree doctor “What the fuck was that about?!” and the tree doctor just shrugs and says “Tree's deaf.”

**(8:05) That's pretty cute.**

(8:06) Like I said, it's funnier when it's signed.

(8:07) Your turn. You tell a story now.

**(8:08) Well I did just hear a good one about a lumberjack and a deaf tree...**

(8:10) Come on! Surely you've got a good one!

**(8:12) The only stories I can recall are all from Hebrew school, which makes them a) boring b) long winded and c) not in English.**

(8:13) You're Jewish?

**(8:14) Used to be, a long time ago. Now I'm about as Jewish as the Olive Garden is Italian- which is to say, not very.**

**(8:15) You religious, Wrench?**

(8:17) Not really. I was raised vaguely Christian, which meant we never went to church except Easter and Christmas, and that going to hell got used as a threat regularly.

(8:18) That's about it, though. My brother got evangelical for a little while, but I'm pretty sure that was because of a girl. He's mellowed a lot since then.

**(8:20) You two are pretty close, I take it?**

(8:22) Yeah. I mean, he's had my back since day one. I couldn't hear the other kids tease me, but he could, and he beat the shit out of them.

(8:23) And I wouldn't know what was going on but he's my brother so I'd jump in, too. That still happens from time to time.

**(8:25) I didn't realize he could hear**

(8:27) Sometimes he pretends not to so he can ignore people, I think. The perks of looking just like the town's token deaf guy, I guess.

(8:30) I keep meaning to tell him about you but I can't think of a way to do it that won't earn me some sort of safety lecture.

(8:31) I mean, you have CAP to tell me if something happens to you, I feel like I should have that kind of backup for you.

**(8:33) Just tell him we're friends and be incredibly vague about how we know each other.**

**(8:34) I just took another dose of my pain meds and it's making me sleepy. I think I should maybe go to bed, despite how fucking early it is.**

(8:36) OK. Heal up, I'm always here.

**(8:38) I know you are. Thanks for the story.**

-

**(5:44) You would not believe the shit going on in my house right now.**

**(5:46) You remember me telling you about the Australian guy I used to live with who kept trying to suck his own dick?**

(5:46) Yeah?

**(5:47) Little fucker actually pulled it off, apparently, and CAP is throwing a party complete with a dick-shaped cake and dick-shaped confetti and “pin the dick on the fireman”.**

**(5:48) And this dude is positively GLOWING. He's so fucking proud of himself. He's wearing a little tiara made of plastic dicks.**

(5:49) Holy fucking shit are you serious

**(5:51) He keeps trying to give me tips on how to do it and no amount of 'Fuck off, I’m only at this stupid party because I LIVE HERE' is discouraging him.**

(5:53) You're not even the least bit curious how he did it?

**(5:55) No, because he won't stop telling me!**

(5:56) LMAO, you grumpy old man!

**(5:58) CAP is so fucking proud of him. Apparently she coached him or something which is not anything I needed to imagine.**

**(6:00) At least the cake is delicious.**

(6:03) Oh my god, you're eating the cake? Which part?

**(6:04) I got part of a sprinkle covered ball. CAP added, like, red licorice veins and shit to this thing. There's frosting cum everywhere.**

(6:05) I'm about to hyperventilate laughing at this. Holy shit, that sounds fucking fantastic.

**(6:06) She bought the penis cake pan a few years ago and holy god has she gotten a lot of mileage out of it. This is maybe her 4 th dick cake this year so far?**

(6:08) Does she normally bake them for sex related events or just because she feels like it?

**(6:10) Mix of both. I always get one for my birthday, although the 'pubes' she puts on it get progressively whiter each year.**

(6:12) Jesus Christ I'm wheezing. I know you're grumpy as hell about it all but I'm really enjoying this.

**(6:14) You'll love this then- when I came home she threw the fucking dick shaped glitter on me and now there's tiny sparkly penises in my beard and hair.**

(6:17) Are you trying to kill me? Because I can't fucking breathe at that mental image.

(6:19) Granted, the mental image is Captian Haddock in a nice suit with the glitterdicks everywhere and grumpily eating dick cake, but it's still fucking funny.

**(6:21) Christ, you're just as bad as she is. And I'll have you know I changed out of my suit in preparation for possibly getting silly stringed.**

**(6:23) It's gonna happen. I can feel it.**

(6:25) Haha you poor guy. So put upon.

**(6:27) You better fucking believe it. CAP says hello, by the way.**

(6:29) Say hello back for me. Are there a lot of people at this oral masturbation party?

**(6:31) Oh my god please don't call it that. And it's just the three of us. Well, technically, the two of them, as I am not fucking participating in this.**

(6:33) At least give the man a high five or something. He's achieved what all teenage dick owners dream of.

**(6:35) I'm not doing that. I have the vaguest idea where his hands have been and I want nothing to do with touching them.**

(6:36) Come onnnnnnnnnnn.

**(6:40) Did it. Promptly got silly stringed. This is all your fault.**

(6:41) You're not going to pout, are you?

**(6:43) Hell yes I am. I'm gonna pout my way into the shower and get this shit out of my beard. Talk to you later.**

(6:45) Try not to clog your drain with glittercocks!

-

(7:54) Oh my god I forgot how much I hate the ER.

**(7:55) Do I need to be worried? Is it you? Your brother? Someone else?**

(7:56) Me. I got mugged in the parking garage near the mall. Guy broke my nose with the butt of his pistol.

**(7:57) Did you go to the police?**

(7:58)... I really can't go to the cops. I had to tell the nurse I fell down some stairs.

**(8:02) What did he look like?**

(8:03) ...The nurse?

**(8:04) The mugger. Tell me what this asshole looks like, Wrench.**

(8:04) Why? What on earth can you do about it? He's gone.

**(8:05) I can find him, no problem.**

(8:07) Are you a private detective or something?

**(8:08) Not officially, but it's the kind of work I do.**

(8:09) What do you do? Officially?

**(8:10) Lots of things, but today it's harassing mugging victims into describing their attacker for me.**

(8:11) To what end, though? The dude is long gone, even if I could go to the cops they'd never find him.

**(8:12) I don't wanna get cryptic on you, but let's just establish that I have a lot of connections who could definitely deliver this guy to me.**

(8:13) ...But what would you even do with him?

**(8:19) I'm not even sure. Break his nose, for certain. Maybe take his cash and mail it to you.**

**(8:20) Maybe leave him unconscious in front of the police station with a bunch of meth shoved up his ass and a sign saying 'mule' on it.**

(8:21) I was under the impression you weren't a fan of cops.

**(8:22) I'm not, but sometimes I can use them to suit my own purposes.**

(8:24) If I ask you something, will you answer me honestly? Like, if you don't want to answer that's fine, just say so.

(8:25) But don't lie, OK?

**(8:26) Sure, kid. I won't lie. What do you want to know?**

(8:28) Are you a dangerous person?

**(8:32) Not to you.**

**-**

(9:15) White guy, blue eyes, short brown hair, maybe 5'11”, not thin, not fat, maybe in his 30's. Some tattoo with wings on his neck, I think. Really rotten teeth. That's all I remember.

(9:16) Promise you won't kill him or anything crazy like that. It's just a busted nose and a couple hundred bucks.

**(9:18) If that's what you want. I promise.**

**-**

**(9:20) I need a favor.**

_(9:21) Is it a sexual favor?_

**(9:22) No. More like “I need you to do a job but do it for free” kind of favor.**

_(9:23) Ugh, those are the worst kinds of favors_.

**(9:24) I need this. If I hadn't gotten shot I'd do this alone, but I did so I can't. It's really easy and I will even do your dishes for a month.**

_(9:25) Whoa, this is a big deal, huh?_

_(9:25) DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR SECRET BOYFRIEND_

**(9:26) He's not my boyfriend. But he got mugged, and I'm certain is was Cliff Denner.**

_(9:27) Ugh, I hate that guy. Flaky asset, terrible fuck. What a waste of three minutes and a condom._

**(9:28) Yeah, I'm not fond of him either. That's why we're gonna fuck him up, rob him, and leave him humiliated for the cops to find.**

_(9:29) Sounds like my kind of party. I'm in, on the condition you tell me all about loverboy!_

**(9:31) We're not dating. I'm not even 100% sure if he's into other men. He's just someone I like talking to.**

_(9:33) But you're clearly into him. You don't do shit like this pro-bono._

**(9:35) Just shut up and bring the zip ties, would you?**

_(9:37) Whatever you say, Romeo._

**(9:38) You know he dies in the end, right?**

_(9:40) SPOILER ALERT, COCKFACE! Jeez!_

**-**

(11:01) Holy shit my mugger is on the news. At least I think it's him, his nose looks like it was nearly taken clean off.

**(11:02) Oh?**

(11:03) Apparently the cops found him hog tied on the Sheriff's front porch, totally naked and bleeding everywhere.

(11:04) Was that you?

(11:04) No, don't answer that. The less I know the better.

(11:05) Thank you for maybe or maybe not taking care of that for me.

**(11:06) You are maybe or maybe not welcome.**

**-**

(10:15) Hye

(10:16)Heey

(10:17) Hhey

(10:18) fuck

**(10:20) Are you drunk?**

(10:22) Bit, yeahh. Is tat not ok?

**(10:24) It's fine. I've just never seen you like this. It's amusing.**

(10:26) Well, I wnated to ask yuo somthing, but I got nrvous. Decded to drink somee courage, yknow?

**(10:29) You're that afraid of my response?**

(10:31) yeha. I hated whhn yuo were gone, I dont wanna make you angry. But I gotta know, yu kno?

( **10:34) And what is it you need to know?**

(10:37) Are yo a crinimal? Like, a big one?

**(10:39) Yes. I only admit it because I have a hunch you are too.**

(10:42) How did yu know?

**(10:44) Little things, like saying you can't go to the cops after you get your face smashed in. You're on the lam now, I take it? That's why you left home?**

(10:46) Lamb?

**(10:49) On the run.**

(10:51) Yeahh.

(10:52) im sorry I hhd to ask. I thught mybe you were a cop or smething for a while, but then that guy was on the news alll beatup an stuff.

(10:54) is it wierd I trust yu more now? Now tht I know youre liek me?

**(10:55) No, it's not weird. Speaking of that guy, I got the money he took from you. I'll hang onto it until we meet, if that's ok.**

(10:57) yu still wanna meet me?

**(10:59) Do you not want to?**

(11:01) No! No! I rlly want to! When? Whre? Now?

**(11:03) Hang on a second, kiddo. Let's make plans when you're sober enough to remember.**

(11:05) goooood calll, lmaoo. Fukc I am so exited! Its finally hppening!

**(11:07) I'm looking forward to it, too. What do you want me to cook for you?**

(11:09) nything! Evrything!

( **11:12) Haha, OK. I'll be sure to make enough to send home to your brother.**

(11:13) Wy re you so nice to me?

**(11:15) I have been asking myself that for the past few months now. I don't really have an answer.**

(11:17) its weird but it mkes me feell good tht youre nice to me evn tho I guess ur not nice to othr people

**(11:22) You feeling honest tonight, Wrench?**

(11:25) im always hnest with yu, no reason to lie. Ya know?

**(11:28) Yeah, I know. Hence my tiny twinge of guilt about trying to get you to answer shit while drunk.**

(11:31) re yu tryng to take advntage of me? N my vulnrable state?

**(11:34) Yeah. Pretty much.**

(11:36) pffffft u monster ;)

**(11:39) Does it help that I won't ask you anything you previously declared off limits?**

(11:41) guesss so

**(11:43) Fantastic.**

**(11:44) Are you into men? Sexually, I mean?**

(11:45) is thhis bout the time I knda almost asked to suck ur cock?

**(11:48) Yes and no. Just answer the question.**

(12:00) dont wnna answer

**(12:02) Why not?**

(12:03) tiredd of being called a fggt.

**(12:05) I wouldn't do that to you.**

**(12:06) Would it help to know that I like men?**

(12:06) yeah? yuo do?

**(12:09) Yeah, I do. I think you do too, don't you?**

(12:11) yeahh, its so hrd finding guys in north dkota, yknow?

**(12:13) Yeah, I know. I really, really know.**

(12:16) numbrs, do you think abuot me?

(12:17) like, whne were not txtng?

**(12:19) Yes. I think about you more than I am comfortable with.**

(12:20) ?

(12:22) ok, I understnd, I thhnk.

(12:25) I neeed to sleep I think or at least lie dwn.

**(12:30) Yeah, me too. Goodnight, Wrench.**

**-**

(4:22) Hey, sorry about last night, I shouldn't have drunk texted you.

**(4:26) What makes you say that? You were fine. Amusing, even.**

(4:29) Maybe, but I think maybe I shouldn't have said those things.

**(4:32) Hey, look, whatever was said last night, I won't use against you. Or even bring up again, if you want. OK?**

(4:36) Why did you ask me that stuff? About being gay?

**(4:40) Do you mean why did I ask if you were into guys or why did I wait until you were drunk to ask?**

(4:42) Both, I guess.

**(4:45) A) I wanted to know B) I didn't know how to ask you when you're sober. Sorry.**

(4:48) I get the feeling you don't say sorry often.

**(4:50) I don't. Relish it.**

(4:52) I will. Did you get the answer you wanted? Or are you grossed out by me?

**(4:54) Do you not remember the part where I told you I'm also into men? Or did the hooch wash that out of your memory?**

(4:59) In all honesty, I read that part over about a million times to make sure I understood it right. I still have trouble believing it's real.

(5:02) I mean, I really, really like you. I love talking to you. I'm happiest when my phone goes off and I see your number.

(5:02) This would be the makings of a perfect relationship if not for the fact that I've never seen you in real life.

**(5:04) As I recall, I believe we agreed make plans to remedy that.**

(5:05) Yeah? You still want to?

**(5:07) Don't you?**

(5:07) Of course I do!

**(5:09) You seem to be worried I'm gonna abandon you again. Like I'm somehow going to get annoyed by your enthusiasm and just take off.**

**(5:09) I promise I won't. I like talking to you as much as you seem to like talking to me.**

(5:11) OK, sorry, I'm still a little nervous because of last time. I know you didn't mean to, but good god it hurt to go that long thinking I'd pissed you off and you bolted.

**(5:13) If it helps, CAP knows you exist and has your number now so that if anything happens again you'll know asap.**

(5:15) It does, actually. Thanks.

(5:17) So when do I get to see you?

**(5:19) Well, work is sending me out to Montana for a week, so maybe a few days after I get back, if all goes well.**

(5:20) So, Friday after next?

**(5:22) It's a date. I can pick you up and take you to my place if you like. I'll make sure CAP is out of the house.**

(5:24) Oh, I don't get to meet the infamous CAP?

**(5:27) At some point you probably will, but I'd rather not have the first time we hang out be constantly interrupted by her making loud kissy noises and blasting Barry White albums.**

(5:30) 1. Why would she do that? 2. It's not like I would notice.

**(5:32) 1. She's taken to calling you my 'loverboy' 2. Yeah, but I sure as fuck would.**

(5:33) Loverboy, huh? Please inform her ASAP that I am, in fact, a loverMAN.

**(5:35) Jesus Christ I nearly shot beer out of my nose at that.**

(5:38) Jokes aside, though, I am really happy and excited to finally get to see you.

**(5:40) Same here, man.**

(5:43) I keep thinking, it's weird, I should probably be at least a little scared of you. You not only tracked down the guy who busted my nose, but you fucked him up.

(5:44) But I'm not scared. I'm just kind of impressed, and more anxious to see you than ever before. Does that make me stupid?

**(5:46) Not stupid, particularly. Just more trusting that I would be. For what it's worth, I meant it when I said I'm not dangerous to you.**

(5:48) I know. I'm not dangerous to you, either.

**(5:50) Pleased to hear that. I'm not much for street fights and if you decided to take a swing at me I wouldn't stand much of a chance.**

(5:52) I used to make a decent amount of money doing basement fights. I didn't lose often.

**(5:53) Because you're a goddamn giant, probably. How tall are you, exactly?**

(5:55) 6'3”

**(5:58) Fucks sake, you're gonna think I'm tiny.**

(5:59) How tall?

**(6:00) 5'11”**

(6:02) That's not so short! I mean, yeah, next to me you are, but compared to everyone else you're average.

**(6:03) Just don't pat me on the head. I'll fucking gut you.**

(6:04) I have the suspicion your hair is probably covered in gel or something, so I'm not tempted. I don't want sticky hands, let alone disembowelment.

**(6:05) It is, and GOOD. I will go apeshit on you if you fuck with my hair!**

(6:05) LMAO. Hey, I guess we're going out for dinner, so I'll talk to you later, OK? I'm stoked we have a day set to meet.

**(6:06) Me too. Have fun! Steal as many breadrolls as you can.**

(6:06) That's the plan!

**-**

**(6:08) I need advice on how to solve a problem.**

_(6:10) Is killing or fucking going to solve the problem?_

**(6:13) ...No.**

_(6:15) Well, I'm fresh out of ideas._

**(6:18) Why do I even keep you around?**

_(6:19) Because I'm wonderful and have a cute ass._

_(6:19) <3_

**(6:22) Yours is not the ass I'm interested in right now.**

_(6:24) Are you SURE fucking won't solve the problem?_

**(6:26) Look, I need to tell you something and I need you to not be so... YOU about it.**

_(6:29) I am going to try very hard not to be offended at that._

**(6:32) It is impossible to offend you and we both know it.**

_(2:34) Touche. What's up?_

**(6:37) It's Wrench. We agreed to meet, and I'm nervous. I'm never nervous about anything! Ever!**

**(6:37) Ugh, emotions are so fucking stupid. I hate them.**

_(6:38) That's an emotion._

**(6:40) SHUT UP I AM IN DISTRESS HERE**

_(6:42) You sound like a lovesick high schooler and I am loving this. Just meet up and suck his dick already!_

**(6:44) You know that thing I said about you not being you about this? This is exactly what I meant.**

_(6:45) Look- I get why you're losing your shit. In Fargo, you have to keep everyone at an arms length. It's safer for everyone that way. But think about you and me._

_(6:46) We didn't do that. We got really close, and even though we're not involved romantically, our lives are a lot better for it, I think._

_(6:48) Think about Carlyle. That dude has nobody and he's a fucking freak. Just a number crunching murderbot. Do you really wanna be like Carlyle?_

**(6:50) No, I absolutely do not.**

_(6:53) See? So just let this guy in. You don't have to tell him everything, but you can at least let him get to know you and see what becomes of it._

_(6:54) And if he turns out to be a jackass we'll just kill him and throw him in a lake._

**(6:56) Thanks, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.**

_(6:58) Yeah, well, all of my declarations of affection come in the forms of either violence or orgasms._

**(6:59) Believe me, I know. Thanks for the advice.**

_(7:03) Anytime. Now if you'll excuse me, there's ¾ of a body that still needs dismembered before tomorrow morning and I'm running a bit behind._

**(7:04) Yeah, I gotta pack for Billings. I'll let you get to it, then.**

_(7:06) Ooh, bring me back a rocky mountain oyster!_

**(7:08) I don't know what that is, but my instinct is to say 'no way in hell'.**

**-**

**(11:03) Hey, what are you up to?**

(11:04) Sitting at home, having a beer, reading in my bedroom. How about you?

**(11:05) Shit, sorry, didn't mean to bother you in the middle of your book.**

(11:06) Nah, it's another one of those absurd romance novels. I'm already 45 pages in and they haven't fucked, so it's kind of a snoozer.

(11:07) What's up with you? Did you get to Billings OK?

**(11:09) Yeah. I'm just in my motel room with broken cable and a brand new bottle of Jack.**

(11:10) Sounds boring as hell.

**(11:11) It was, but not anymore, unless you're going to sleep soon?**

(11:12) And abandon you like that? Never. ;)

**(11:14) I can't stop thinking about your eyes. Well, I mean, technically, your identical twin's eyes, but you know what I mean.**

(11:15) What about them?

**(11:16) I keep thinking about what it would be like to have them looking down at me while I suck your cock.**

(11:17) Holy shit.

**(11:18) Do you want me to stop?**

(11:19) Don't you dare!

**(11:20) I want to suck down every inch of you until you can't remember your own name. I want to taste every fucking inch of your skin.**

**(11:23) I want to feel those big, strong hands wrapped around my cock while I sink my ass down onto yours.**

**(11:25) I want you to fuck me into the mattress, just pin me down and slam into me over and over until I burst. I want to feel you fill me up with cum until I drip with it.**

**(11:27) Still there?**

(11:29) Yeah, it's just hard to text one-handed.

**(11:31) HA!**

(11:31) You're getting hard thinking about sucking me off, aren't you?

**(11:33) Fuck yes. I'm hard as fuck right now. I'm about ready to cum and I haven't even started to touch myself.**

(11:34) Do it. Stroke your cock for me. Fuck, I wish I was there with you. I want to bury my fingers in your ass and watch you writhe around under my touch until you cum all over yourself.

(11:37) I want to tease you until you beg me to fuck you, and fuck you until you beg me to stop. Fuck, I bet your beard would feel so nice between my thighs.

**(11:40) Fuck I want you so bad. I want to feel your lips wrapped around my cock, I want to cum in your throat, I want to feel your hands on my thighs.**

**(11:43) God, I can't help but wonder if your cock is as beautiful as it is in my imagination.**

(11:44) You can find out friday after next!

**(11:46) Fuck, that feels like forever from now.**

(11:48) Christ, I know. I'm impatient to pull you onto my lap and grind my cock against your ass and lick and kiss and bite all the way down your neck and chest.

(11:50) I want to suck your cock down the the base and feel your fingers in my hair and your thighs shake while they're wrapped around me.

**(11:53) Goddamn, I haven't cum this hard in a while.**

(11:55) Yeah? Just wait until I can actually get my hands on you. Course, I won't even know where to begin, there's just so much I want to do with you.

**(11:56) God, I know the feeling.**

**(11:57) Wait, did you cum?**

(11:57) Like, 20 minutes ago, man. You got me worked up pretty much immediately.

(11:58) This doesn't make things weird between us, does it?

**(11:59) I'm of the opinion that it makes things better. Besides, I'm the one who instigated it, remember?**

(12:01) Yeah, fair enough.

**(12:02) OK, I'm fucking exhausted and have shit to do in the morning, but I'll talk to you tomorrow, all right?**

(12:03) Absolutely. Sleep well. Come home safe.

 


	4. The friday after next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (2:13) Hey, I just realized I don't actually know your real name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Numbers text is in bold  
> Wrench's text is regular  
> Hammer's text is underlined
> 
> [handwritten notes are in brackets]
> 
> \- "signed dialogue is in quotes and dashes"-

(2:13) Hey, I just realized I don't actually know your real name.

**(2:14) Nobody living actually knows my real name.**

(2:16) Wait, really? Not even CAP?

**(2:18) Nope. And I don't know hers, either. We just use the fake names we put on our lease.**

(2:20) Oh. I mean, I have only the vaguest idea what your job is, but if what you did to the guy who mugged me is any indication, that's probably a smart move.

(2:22) So do I just keep calling you Numbers, then? Even when we meet?

**(2:24) If you want. I assume you're using a fake name as well?**

(2:26) Yeah. Burned everything that could ID me when I left home. License, birth certificate, SSN card, all of it.

**(2:27) So it's balanced. You don't know mine, I don't know yours. Everybody's safer that way.**

(2:30) I guess. It's just weird, knowing I'll probably never know your name no matter how long I know you.

**(2:33) Names are just labels, kid. Not knowing the one I got saddled with originally doesn't mean you know ME any less.**

(2:34) Fair point. And it's all in the name of protecting each other, so I guess I can't complain.

(2:35) But it doesn't stop me from being super curious.

**(2:37) Yeah, I imagine it doesn't. If it helps, the name on my lease is Aaron Edelstein.**

(2:39) Huh. Did you pick that?

**(2:41) No way. That goofball Aussie did. He does all my documents. I swear he just consistently picks the most Jewish name he can think of.**

**(2:42) He could probably do some new paperwork for you if you'd like.**

(2:43) That would be great, actually. I don't have any documentation whatsoever. Hence taking the bus, I don't wanna risk getting pulled over and not having ID on me.

**(2:45) Smart move.**

(2:46) I'm very smart, despite what most people think.

**(2:47) Why wouldn't they think you're smart? You don't come across as particularly dense to me.**

(2:49) Because I can't hear and don't talk. They mostly assume I'm some sort of idiot or mental defective or whatever.

(2:50) And on the rare occasion I DO talk they seem to feel like they've been proven right.

**(2:52) I don't understand.**

(2:54) I've been deaf since before I was 2 so I guess my accent is pretty thick, and people take that for a sign of mental slowness or whatever.

**(2:57) Ah. People are pricks, sorry you've had to deal with that.**

(3:00) I'm used to it by now. I find I can get them to fuck off if I sign at them angrily enough. Seems to scare the living hell out of some people.

(3:03) And besides, now I have you, and you don't treat me like that.

**(3:05) I'm trying to imagine what it would be like to have a tall, angry, silent cowboy signing at me aggressively and I guess that WOULD be pretty terrifying**

**(3:07) Especially since I wouldn't know if you were threatening to disembowel me or just giving a movie review for Happy Madison.**

(3:09) HA. I admit that one time I was so mad I couldn't think of anything to say so I started going over my to-do list for the week and that seemed to work.

(3:12) My brother noticed and laughed his ass off at that.

**(3:14) I would too, probably. If I hadn't already physically attacked the jackasses who treat you that way and drug their unconscious bodies to an alleyway.**

(3:16) I can't tell if that's sweet or not.

**(3:19) It's about as sweet as I get.**

(3:22) You say that, but I don't believe it.

**(3:25) Believe what you want, kid. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna be sweet all over some dickhead in a toupee. I'll talk to you later.**

-

(6:57) Oh my God only two days!

(6:58) Where and specifically when do you want to meet up?

**(7:00) Whenever, wherever is easiest for you. I'm not picky.**

(7:03) 5:30 at the bus terminals?

**(7:05) Sounds good to me. Any preference on what I make for us to eat?**

(7:07) So long as it's not corn dogs I'll be happy. I'm getting fucking sick of them, to be honest. Yeah they're inexpensive but there's only so much a man can take!

**(7:09) I swear on my mother's grave I won't make corn dogs. Ever.**

**(7:10) So, how was your day?**

(7:12) Better than usual, actually. I think the cashier at the corner store has finally figured out I'm not going to engage in small talk.

(7:13) She just doesn't even try anymore, she just smiles and rings me up. Only took 6 months, but better than never I guess.

**(7:15) It took me forever to get used to the almost aggressive cheerfulness and chattiness of the midwest. I miss people ignoring me.**

(7:17) Ever think of going back home?

**(7:19) Only when I'm stoned, but that's just a nostalgia thing. It's not really an option.**

**(7:21) Do you?**

(7:23) Sometimes, but I know I can't. I just have to try to make it work here, I guess.

**(7:24) You'll get used to it. It'll take a while, but eventually it'll happen. The trick is finding people you trust and keeping them close.**

(7:26) Well, I'm off to a small start with you I guess.

**(7:28) I'm flattered you trust me. I don't know if I'd trust me.**

(7:30) You've come through for me more than once. Kept my secrets. I'd say you've earned it.

(7:34) Hey, on a completely different note- I don't suppose you know how to get blood out of clothes?

**(7:36) Depends on how fresh it is and what fabric it's on. What happened? Did you get mugged again?**

(7:38) No, we just managed to pick up some part time work at the slaughterhouse, and my jeans have a nice little line of blood where my boots and my apron left a gap.

(7:39) The unexpected problem with being tall, I guess.

**(7:40) Get your jeans wet with cold water, put meat tenderizer on it overnight and rub it in every few hours. Should work.**

(7:41) How did I know you would have the solution?

**(7:43) I know lots of things. I can also tell you how to get mustard out of linen, cum out of fur, and soy sauce out of silk.**

**(7:45) CAP used to work at a laundromat, she taught me a lot about stains.**

**(7:46) How's the slaughterhouse?**

(7:49) Disgusting but interesting. I'm hoping we can find something else soon, I smell like death and I'm pretty exhausted.

(7:51) Who knew killing shit and taking carcasses apart was such hard work?

**(7:53) I hope you're being paid well, at least.**

(7:54) Just minimum. We can pay bills now, so that's good. I promise I'll scrub the smell off of me before I see you.

**(7:57) Much appreciated. That reminds me, I should probably clean this place up. I'm still finding dick-shaped glitter in the carpet.**

(7:59) You don't have to do that, I really won't mind if your place is a little messy. Can't be worse than where I live.

**(8:02) It's a matter of pride for me. Besides, I've shown up to work twice with that glitter on my shoes and pants. It's gotta go.**

(8:04) Oh my God, did anyone say anything about it?

**(8:06) Not to my face, except for CAP, of course, who couldn't stop giggling either time.**

(8:07) I'd recommend pranking her in a way that would me mildly embarrassing but honestly she sounds fairly shameless.

**(8:09) Understatement of the goddamn century. But anyways, I better clean up here. Gotta make a good first impression and all. I'll talk to you later.**

(8:11) Have fun hunting down those last remaining dicks!

-

(11:05) Is this the guy who calls himself Numbers?

**(11:08) Who is this?**

(11:09) Leave my brother alone, you disgusting old man.

**(11:10) Ah. Well, I'm under the impression that your brother enjoys talking to me. If he wanted me to stop messaging him, I'd expect him to tell me himself.**

(11:12) Don't fucking matter. You're too fucking old to be doing this shit with him, grandpa.

**(11:12) And what shit would that be?**

(11:13) You know what I'm fucking talking about. Leave him alone. We got enough to deal with without some ancient pervert sniffing around.

**(11:15) Your brother doesn't seem to mind my sniffing.**

(11:16) Don't be gross. Stay out of our lives. If I see you around here I'll knock your fucking teeth out.

-

**(11:18) Heads up- I think your brother has been through your phone. I got a rather unpleasant series of messages from him.**

(11:20) Oh fuck.

(11:20) What did he say?

**(11:21) He called me a gross pervert and told me to stop contacting you, which as you can see I promptly ignored.**

(11:22) That asshole! Dumb as a bag of fucking hammers, I swear to Christ. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna deal with this. Hang on.

**(11:23) I'll have you know I'm definitely saving him in my phone as Hammer now.**

**(11:23) Ha, Wrench and Hammer, the goddamn toolbox twins.**

**-**

(11:23) STOP GOING THROUGH MY PHONE, DICKHEAD.

(11:24) STOP ENDANGERING US WITH STUPID FLINGS WITH WAY-TOO-OLD STRANGERS, ASSHOLE.

(11:27) I'm not endangering anything! He doesn't even know my name!

(11:28) Besides, I'm not the one bringing home a new girl every night, how am I the one who's putting us at risk?!

(11:29) Totally different and you fucking know it! I don't tell those chicks shit about myself or you! You told that guy we're on the run!

(11:31) If you know that then you know so is he! He can't tell them shit without exposing himself! And he wouldn't!

(11:33) We have a bounty, man. If you think he honestly wouldn't turn us in for a cool 25 thousand each you're more deluded than I thought!

(11:35) He doesn't know about that, and he's already rich, he doesn't need it! You don't know him, he wouldn't do that to me!

(11:37) God, you sound so pathetic right now. Like a lovesick schoolgirl or some shit.

(11:40) Can't you just be happy for me? You kept complaining that I was moping all the time, and then I started talking to Numbers and now I'm not!

(11:41) He's a gross old creep trying to take advantage of you. 

(11:43) How is beating the fuck out of my mugger and buying us food taking advantage of me? He's never asked me to do ANYTHING for him!

(11:44) That's not what I mean!

(11:45) Then what DO you mean? Tell me.

(11:47) He's gonna try to use you for, like, sex stuff! I don't want my brother being some old coot's plaything!

(11:49) So you're the only one who's allowed to get laid?! You fucking hypocrite! You're lucky you aren't home or I'd deck you!

(11:52) Hey, at least I'm fucking people my own age!

(11:53) The blonde Asian woman you brought over last Tuesday is DEFINITELY not your age.

(11:55) So it was one time, big fucking deal.

(11:56) You're just weird about this because it's a man!

(11:57) You don't give a fuck about blowing our cover or being age appropriate, you're just grossed out by me! By who I am! You fucking jackass!

(11:57) That's not what I said!

(11:59) It's what you meant! God fucking dammit, I cannot believe the nerve you've got!

(12:02) Don't fucking talk to me for a while, I need to cool down and I can't do that with your dumb ass still saying stupid shit to me. I'll see you tonight.

-

(12:05) God, Numbers, I'm so sorry. My brother's an idiot.

(12:06) Ha, toolbox twins, I like it.

**(12:06) I hoped you would. And don't worry about it, I've been called harsher things and threatened with a lot worse.**

(12:08) He didn't scare you off, huh?

**(12:09) No offense, but your brother comes across as kind of a dick. My M.O. Is doing the exact opposite of what dicks tell me to do.**

**(12:10) You're stuck with me forever now.**

(12:11) Oh no, how terrible. ;)

(12:12) So I'll still see you tomorrow at 5:30? Bus terminals?

**(12:14) Wouldn't miss it for the world.**

**-**

Numbers drummed his fingers anxiously against the steering wheel, scanning the bus station for a particular tall, copper headed cowboy. His eyes darted to the clock in the dash. 4:55PM. He was early, but he'd decided he would rather be early and anxious than late and an asshole. He chewed his bottom lip as his mind raced through how their meeting would play out. Every possible scenario made him excited and nervous, two emotions he hadn't experienced to this degree in a very long time. He watched as buses came and went, emptying themselves and filling up again with crowds of people trying to get around the city. A sudden tap on his window caused him to nearly jump out of his skin, and he turned to face the person responsible. The sight of familiar face greeted at him from the other side of the window, copper sideburns framing a beaming smile. Wrench quickly rounded the front of the car and slid into the passengers seat, never once taking his eyes off of Numbers. Numbers grinned back at him. It was one thing to see Wrench's twin brother from a slight distance in the supermarket, it was entirely another to have Wrench there with him, sitting in his passengers seat and within touching distance. As strange as the situation was, it all felt so natural to him, as if he'd known Wrench for years. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice yelled at him about becoming too familiar with a Fargo outsider, but the voice disappeared entirely as Wrench chuckled lowly as he pulled a pad of paper and a pen out of his jacket, scribbling furiously in angled penmanship before handing the paper over to Numbers.

[I got here early so I wouldn't be late. Looks like we had the same idea, huh?]

Numbers nodded and grinned even more broadly at his passenger, holding out his hand to take the pen.

** [Seems that way. Let's go back to my place so I can feed you.] **

Wrench gave him a thumbs up and another small laugh, and Numbers put the car into gear and headed towards home. He couldn't help but notice out of the corner of his eye that Wrench was busy watching him, seemingly studying Numbers' face while smiling to himself. Normally, being stared at like that would make Numbers irritated, but for some reason with Wrench it was endearing. Everything about the guy made Numbers think of a golden retriever puppy, just young and enthusiastic and loyal. It was almost enough to make Numbers wonder if he maybe  _ was _ a dog person after all.

They pulled up to the house, and Numbers led Wrench inside, knocking the snow off his shoes before removing them entirely and shrugging off his coat. Wrench followed suit, looking around Numbers' large living room in what seemed to be awe. He pulled out his pad of paper from his jacket and tucked it under his arm, silently following Numbers through the house to the kitchen where he had already prepared lasagna and was putting it into the oven. Wrench sat himself down at the kitchen table, setting his pad down in front of him and watching Numbers roam around the kitchen, pulling out plates and silverware for when their meal had finished cooking. Numbers turned to face Wrench, his hands hovering in the air as if unsure what to do with them. After a brief pause, he signed -“You thirsty?” ** - ** , earning him a look of joyful surprise and a knocked fist to the affirmative.

-“I have water, beer, milk, juice. What do you want?”-

-“Beer, if that's OK.”- Wrench could tell by Numbers' expression that he'd maybe understood half of what he'd signed, but that was still better than most people he'd met. As Numbers turned to pull a beer out of the fridge, he scribbled on his pad of paper, pushing it towards Numbers as the older man placed the bottle in front of him.

[You never told me you knew sign!]

** [Only just started learning after I got hurt at work. Had lots of free time and not much to do. I still don't know very much. I'm still learning.] **

[You're learning for me?]

** [I just thought it would make this a little easier. Might come in handy at work, too. Never know.] **

-“Thanks.”-

Numbers nodded, sipping on his own beer. Wrench continued to watch him intently as he drank his beer, earning his a raised eyebrow.

[You're more handsome than my brother led me to believe.]

** [You're more handsome than your brother.]  ** Wrench rolled his eyes and cocked an eyebrow.

[We're identical twins, we look exactly the same!]

**[Your brother didn't look at me or smile at me the way you do. That makes you the cuter one.]** Wrench could feel himself blushing and tried to hide his face behind his bottle of beer. Numbers suddenly stood up, holding up a finger to indicate Wrench was to wait. He left the kitchen and promptly returned with an overstuffed envelope that he tossed to Wrench. Wrench opened it to see a thick stack of twenty dollar bills inside. Numbers grabbed the pen.

**[From our rotten toothed mutual acquaintance.]** Wrench frowned as he thumbed through the cash.

[This is way more than he took from me, though.] Numbers shrugged dismissively and smiled, settling back down in his chair next to Wrench.

** [I have to admit, I kind of thought you were kidding about that jacket. You're sure you didn't steal that out of the Buffalo Bill Museum?] ** Wrench stuck out his tongue playfully.

[I like it! It's warm and it looks cool. I like the way the fringes feel when they swing on my arms. Makes signing look even more expressive than usual.]

** [I bet it makes signing even louder, too.] ** Wrench cocked his head.

[Louder?]

** [Yeah, the little bits of leather slapping against your jacket make a sound. The harder it hits, the louder it is. You didn't know it made sound?]  ** Wrench rolled his eyes. He knew Numbers wasn't trying to annoy him, but damn did he hate when people said that.

[How would I?] Numbers scrunched his face up. He knew he'd made a mistake, and was not afraid of showing he knew it.

** [Right. Fair point. Sorry.] **

[It's fine, it's just I don't have a full grasp on what makes sound and what doesn't. Took me forever to figure out that running water made noise.] He paused, pen hovering over the paper, contemplating if he wanted to finish his thought. Ah, fuck it. Why not? [Farts too. Finding out farts make noise was fucking mortifying.] Numbers burst out in a loud belly laugh, slapping his knee until he started to wheeze. Wrench laughed with him, enjoying seeing Numbers like that.

** [There has to be a story to that and I would absolutely love to hear it.] **

[I was sixteen, my brother had his first girlfriend over for dinner to meet the family. Nobody had ever told me they made noise so I just didn't care where or when I let them loose. So we're all sitting around the table and they're talking, I have no idea what's going on because nobody is translating, and I let one rip. My brother's girlfriend looked at me like I had taken a piss on her food and my Dad was doubled over laughing. Apparently she had just finished telling my folks that she wanted to be a doctor right when I farted so loud and so long my Mom nearly thought I'd shit myself. We're talking a full five second fart, here. My brother was so mad, she never came back to the house after that.] Numbers shoulders shook with wheezing laughter as he read, wiping at his watering eyes. 

** [Your brother must be pissed that you came here.] **

[Well, he doesn't exactly know that I'm here. I told him you canceled on me. I'm pretty sure he would have locked me in my bedroom, met you himself and tried to kill you if he'd known I lied.] Numbers wrinkled his nose and furrowed his brow as he read.

** [Christ. Why does he hate me so bad?] **

[He thinks I'm putting us in danger by talking to you, telling you things. I tried to tell him you wouldn't turn us in, but that just makes him think I'm naïve.]

** [He called me a gross old pervert, so I'm pretty sure there's more to it than that.]  ** Wrench sighed and shook his head, rubbing his temples.

[He's never really been completely ok with the whole 'gay brother' thing. I mean, he's never thrown it in my face or been cruel about it, but I think the thought of it grosses him out.]

** \-  ** “Sorry.” ** \-  ** Numbers' face was less emotive than the sign called for, but it still made Wrench crack a small smile.

[It's OK. He'll get over it. At some point he'll realize that talking with you, hanging out with you makes me happy, and that you haven't done anything to compromise us.]

** [I don't know what you've done, but I promise you I would rather take a bullet to the brain than see you spend a day in prison because of me.]  ** Numbers face was solemn and he reached over and rested his hand on Wrench's shoulder, squeezing slightly.

\- “I know.”- The two men smiled at each other in silence, each quietly enjoying the physical contact until the kitchen timer rang out, and Numbers excused himself to fetch their meal. It had been a very long time since Wrench had eaten anything home cooked, and he caught himself practically drooling at the smell that wafted from inside the oven. Numbers brought over the steaming plates of food, and it took all of Wrench's self restraint not to just wolf it all down like a wild animal. Truth be told, he hadn't eaten in a few days, but he wasn't about to tell Numbers that. There were few things Wrench hated more than pity.

\- “Food good?” **-** Wrench nodded enthusiastically, shoveling another bite into his mouth. Numbers smiled, enjoying the passionate response. He knew he was a good cook, but the way his new companion was eating made him wonder if he hadn't somehow missed his calling as a chef. He reminded himself to send the rest home with Wrench. Odds were he could use it, and maybe it would get his brother off his back a little. He watched as Wrench grabbed the pen and paper and quickly jotted down something before sliding it over to Numbers.

[You're a really good cook. It's been a long time since I've had lasagna. Thank you.]

** [No problem. Always happy to show off in the kitchen.] **

[Feel free to show off as often as you want.] Wrench winked as he passed the paper over, causing Numbers to bark out a laugh. Wrench finished his meal and sat back in his chair, a look of serene satisfaction on his face.

\- “You want more?”- Every time Numbers signed, he found himself feeling a slight unease. What if he was doing it wrong? What if his signing was so bad it was unintelligible? What if his grammar was so bad it was confusing? Wrench snapped his fingers shut and made a few signs Numbers didn't recognize before ending with 'thank you'. Numbers felt stupid, he should have practiced more, studied harder, gone the extra mile. Maybe then he wouldn't feel so much like a child.  
[You look confused.]

**[I only recognized two of those signs. I should have studied more, probably.]** Wrench gave him a reassuring pat on the knee.

[You're fine. You're learning. You'll learn more. I said I'm full, thanks. I can't remember the last time I ate so well.]

** [I'll send the rest home with you, then.] **

[You're a saint.]

**[I have never been accused of THAT before.]** Wrench grinned a bit before suddenly looking very thoughtful.

[Does it really get easier? Being out here? Living like this?]

** [Yeah. Like I said before, you just gotta find a group of people you can trust. If you're completely alone, you'll lose your mind. I work with a guy like that, and he's the creepiest motherfucker I've ever met. You don't want to be like him.] **

[Right, but aside from you, where am I gonna find people like that? Most people would turn me over to the cops out of some sense of civic duty or morality or whatever.]

** [I can introduce you to CAP and the Aussie if you want. I sort of intended on doing that at some point in the future anyways, if not just to get Aussie to make you a drivers license so you can drive your 'baby' again.]  ** Wrench grinned so wide he felt like his face would split open. That was exactly what he'd wanted to hear, and he felt a wave of relief wash over him. Just knowing he wouldn't be completely alone with only two people in the whole world for company made him feel more relaxed than he had been in a long time.

[I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me.] Numbers shrugged it off, obviously uncomfortable with the level of sincere gratitude. He knew in his heart he wasn't a good man, and being treated like one by someone so wide eyed made him feel slightly sick.

\- “No problem. You want to watch a movie?”- Wrench grabbed his pen, doubting Numbers was far enough along in his studies to follow his response in sign. He desperately wanted to be completely clear in his meaning.

[Sure. I don't care what we do, I'm just so pleased to be here with you. I've been waiting so long.] Numbers rolled his eyes and laughed. Yup, a total puppy. Wrench shrugged somewhat bashfully and followed Numbers to the couch, sitting very closely next to him. Numbers set up the DVD and turned on captions, his mind completely distracted by the light contact their thighs were making. They were only 25 minutes into Liar Liar when Wrench reached his arm around Numbers and rested it on the back of the couch, scooching himself somehow even closer. Numbers felt his face get hot and hoped to god he wasn't turning red. He should have expected this, they way they texted each other that night when he was stuck in Billings. He wanted it, of course, but to actually have it within reach was almost overwhelming. Wrench slowly leaned over and kissed Numbers' neck gently, sending shivers up the older man's spine. Numbers could feel his breathing get shallower as every single nerve in his body went into high alert, making him keenly aware of how soft Wrench's lips were on his skin. A large, strong hand slid onto Numbers' thigh, squeezing gently, sending the smaller man's heart racing. He turned and caught Wrench's lips with his own, cupping the younger man's face in his hands. Lips parted, tongues swirled against each other, and Numbers pulled Wrench's shoulders towards himself, pulling Wrench on top of himself as he laid back on the couch against the armrest. Wrench settled between his legs, hands roaming up and down Numbers' chest as he broke off the kiss and began sucking and nibbling at Numbers' neck and collarbones. Numbers heard himself groan involuntarily and ran his fingers through Wrench's hair. Quick fingers had Numbers' shirt unbuttoned in no time, and Wrench began kissing and sucking and nipping lower and lower down Numbers' torso. Numbers bit at his lip, feeling himself getting hard in response to Wrench's ministrations. It had been a while since Numbers had gotten laid, and having someone so hot and so eager all over him was almost too much to deal with. He watched Wrench unbuckle his belt and open his trousers with hungry eyes, and instantly knew if he let Wrench suck his dick he would cum embarrassingly fast. He suddenly sat up and pushed Wrench backwards off of him. Wrench looked shocked and slightly hurt until Numbers reached out and pulled his t-shirt off over his head before fumbling with his belt buckle, then peeling back his jeans and lowering his boxers to reveal the thickest, longest cock Numbers had ever seen in his life. Wrench laughed at the look of shock on his face, stroking his partner's bearded cheek as Numbers stared in disbelief.

**-** “HUGE.” **-**

\- “I know.”- Another laugh. It was low and slightly gutteral, and Numbers was absolutely enthralled with it. He'd never heard a laugh like that before, it was just entirely un-self conscious and genuine, and he couldn't get enough of it. Numbers licked his lips, winked at Wrench, and dove down to Wrench's crotch, nuzzling the thick patch of hair above that monsterous cock, licking and kissing while his hands ran up and down Wrench's thighs. He could feel it growing harder under his touches, and slowly took it into his mouth, sucking and swirling his tongue in a way that made Wrench whimper slightly and place a hand on the back of Numbers' head. He bobbed his head, gently playing with Wrench's balls with one and and stroking his cock with the other, trying his best not to gag as it hit the back of his throat over and over again. Wrench stroked Numbers' hair, leaning down to gently kiss his scalp as Numbers paused to kiss the tip and regain his breath.

\- “You're so beautiful like this.”- Numbers only understood two of the signs, but he understood the sentiment and resumed slurping down Wrench's cock with a wink, causing Wrench to moan and laugh at the same time. Wrench could feel his thighs tense up as he came closer and closer to the edge, his fingers tangled in Numbers' hair. He watched Numbers wrap his lips around as much as he could handle, and felt him moaning into his cock, still sucking and slurping his way up and down the length. Wrench could feel the vibrations of a moan catch in his throat, and dug his fingers into the couch as he shot hot, salty cum into Numbers' mouth. He could feel Numbers swallow around him, causing his hips to jerk up and gag Numbers. He collapsed onto his back, panting and covered in sweat with a huge smile on his face.

\- “Sorry. One minute. I'll help you in one minute.”- Numbers didn't understand all of what Wrench had said, but he sat back, lazily stroking his cock, watching Wrench try to catch his breath while blissed out on the couch. He couldn't help but feel accomplished, bringing a giant of a man like that to this boneless state. Truth be told, he felt almost powerful. Numbers stood up and tugged at Wrench's hand, leading him towards his bedroom. Wrench dropped his jeans and boxers to the floor and followed on shaky legs, still looking as eager as when they'd began. Numbers stripped entirely and sat himself on the bed, crooking his finger and beckoning Wrench towards him. In no time at all the younger man was all over him, nipping at his earlobes and neck. Numbers thought to himself how nice it felt to have someone straddling him, running large, warm hands over his shoulders and chest. It had been a long time since he'd had someone fuss over him, as opposed to just sucking his dick and leaving. He felt Wrench's hand grip his cock and begin stroking, and bucked his hips up to meet his partner's grip. A strangled, undignified whimper escaped his throat and he found himself suddenly grateful the man sitting on his lap couldn't hear. Wrench's lips disconnected from his throat and found their way to Numbers' mouth, sucking at his bottom lip while his hand still pumped away at his cock. Numbers could feel his muscles begin to tense and shake, and wrapped his arms around Wrench's shoulders in an attempt to stay upright, breaking off the kiss and burying his face in the younger man's shoulder, swearing into freckled skin. He could feel himself getting close, and tried to think of anything to stave it off so he could make it last. Roadkill, outhouses, soup, New Jersey. None of it was working, and he bit his lip in a last ditch effort to fight it. No use. He dug his fingers into Wrench's back, crying out as he shot his load all over Wrench's hands and stomach. Strong arms held him tightly as Numbers tried to catch his breath, and he felt soft lips kissing into his hair. He pulled out of Wrench's arms and grabbed some tissues from the nightstand, handing them to Wrench with a quickly signed -”Sorry.”-. He received a smile and shrug in reply. Numbers fell back on the bed and closed his eyes, trying desperately to organize his thoughts. It had been a very long time since he'd felt that good, and he desperately wanted to savor the afterglow. He felt the mattress shift beside him and opened his eyes to see Wrench heading toward the door. Numbers sat up and pushed himself off the bed, tapping at Wrench's back.

\- “Where are you going?”- Wrench responded with a series of signs Numbers didn't understand, and Numbers silently cursed at himself and promised to learn more ASL by the next time they hung out. He shrugged and shook his head, and Wrench went to the kitchen to grab his notepad.  
[I figured you were done with me, so I was going to head home.] Numbers felt his stomach clench. If it were anyone else, he would have been relieved to have him leave immediately after they were done. For some reason, this was different. It hurt to have Wrench assume he was like that, despite how accurate the assumption normally would be.   
**[What? No, come on, I'm not gonna treat you like that. I have the house to myself for the next day and a half. It's boring being alone here. Stay with me.]** For a moment, it looked to Numbers like Wrench might cry. His jaw was tight and his eyes looked ready to spill tears at any moment.

[Why are you so nice to me?]

**[You keep asking me that and I never have an answer. I don't know. I just like you. You're the least annoying person I know. Now come to bed and watch TV with me. Spend the night. I'll make breakfast.]**

[Where do you want me to sleep?]

**[My bed. You complimented my cooking and made me cum, least I can do is not make you sleep on the floor.]** Wrench's face cracked into a small smile.

[I'd sleep better on your floor than I ever would in my own bed.] Numbers snorted out a laugh and rolled his eyes.

**[You're a big sappy baby, you know that?]** Wrench smiled wider and shrugged bashfully.

[Is this weird? Or awkward? I feel like it ought to be but it's not somehow. Not for me, anyways.]

** [Only a little bit, but that's just me. It's been a while since I've brought anyone home.]  **

[How long?]

** [Long enough that I don't even want to think about how long it's been. Now come on, let's find your clothes and see what's on Discovery Channel.]  ** Wrench leaned in and gave Numbers a surprisingly chaste kiss on the cheek before heading to the living room to retrieve his clothes. Numbers sat back down on the bed, slightly stunned. He knew he liked Wrench, that Wrench was a good fuck, and he knew that he already felt far more trusting of him than he ought to, but did that make for a romantic relationship? Romance was never something Numbers was good at. What if he fucked it up and Wrench gave up on him, like so many girlfriends and boyfriends before? The thought that his own hangups could cause Wrench to leave gave Numbers a lump in his throat. Before he could work himself up into a full-on panic, Wrench came back into the bedroom, boxers and t-shirt on and jeans in his hand. He stopped at the door and cocked his head.

\- “You OK?”-  
\- “Fine.”- Numbers gave what he hoped was a convincing smile and slid under the covers, patting the space on the mattress next to him. Wrench dropped his jeans on the floor and settled in next to Numbers, resting his head on the older man's belly while Numbers attempted to figure out how to turn on captions on his television. They fell asleep watching a nature documentary, each man's final conscious thought being how nice it was to not be quite so alone in the world anymore.

-

(11:45) Where are you, bro?

(12:37) God fucking dammit you better not be with that slimy old creep.

(1:44) So help me God I am going to skin that weirdo alive and chain you to the goddamn radiator

-

(12:01) Is my brother with you?

(12:34) Answer me, asshole!

(1:15) I am going to figure out where you live and burn it to the fucking ground I swear to God

(1:38) You fucking prick if you so much as laid a hand on him I'll rip you apart

-

Wrench woke before Numbers did. He mulled over everything said and done the previous evening while he watched the man beside him sleep peacefully. When he had first come to North Dakota, he had resigned himself to being completely alone, excepting the companionship of his brother. He figured being both deaf and gay in the midwest would keep him isolated, but adding the criminal-on-the-run element to it made his solitude even more certain. He'd watched his brother flirt with and pick up women with a frustrating ease, and it had made him feel even more alone. When he'd received a text to the wrong number, he felt such a thrill at talking to someone different, someone new. He never could have expected for it to go this far. He wondered if it was actually love he was feeling, or just a desperate emotional attachment out of relief of not being so totally friendless anymore. Whatever it was, he was so pleased to have found someone to trust, someone who would introduce him to more people and make his new life more bearable. Numbers rolled onto his side, blinking sleepily at Wrench, who smiled at his groggy bedmate.

\- “Give me my pants.”- Wrench got up and tossed Numbers' pants to him, hitting him in the face.  
\- “Sorry!”- Numbers shook his head and waved it off, pulling a blinking cell phone out of his pocket and staring at the screen intently. A dark eyebrow rocketed upwards, and he handed the phone to Wrench, displaying the messages Hammer had sent during the night. Wrench's face fell. Leave it to his brother to ruin a good thing. He grabbed his jeans off the floor and frantically tried to locate his own cell phone, pulling it out and reading the equally distasteful messages in his own inbox. He looked up from the screen to see Numbers writing on the pad of paper Wrench had left on the nightstand.

 **[Do you need to hide out here for a while?]** Wrench smiled sadly. He wanted to say yes, to take advantage of the opportunity to spend more time with Numbers, but he knew that things would only get worse if he didn't handle the situation.

[I should probably go. I need to deal with him before he does something completely nuts.]

**[OK, you want me to take you back to the terminals? Or I can just take you straight home if you want.]**

[Terminals. If my brother knows you know where we live he'll freak out even harder.]

**[Good call. OK. Let me get dressed.]** Wrench pulled on his own clothes while watching Numbers dress. It felt almost as intimate as watching him take his clothes off. Within minutes the smaller man was in a full suit and tie, combing his hair and putting some substance Wrench couldn't identify in his beard. 

[Am I going to see you again?] Wrench held out the pad of paper and held his breath. Numbers glanced down at his question and smirked.

\- “Of course!”- Numbers sat next to Wrench on the bed, writing his own missive on the heavily used notepad.  
**[Next time I'll make good on that promise of breakfast. You ready?]** Wrench nodded, and soon they were both out the door.

-  
** (5:12) You work out everything with Hammer? **

(5:14) Hammer?

(5:15) Oh, right. Yeah, we settled it the way we always do.

** (5:15) With flying wrenches? **

(5:17) It was a frying pan, actually, but yeah. He's still not happy about any of it but I told him if he keeps it up I'm gonna pack my shit and he'll never see me again.

** (5:20) A helluva threat. **

(5:23) The only one that works, honestly. I don't want to move out, finding a rental when you're deaf is a huge pain in the ass. 

(5:25) People insist that you call but then freak out when put on a relay call. Or they get confused when they talked to a nice lady on the phone and a deaf guy shows up.

(5:26) It's just a hassle all the way around.

** (5:28) Sounds like one of the hardest things about being deaf is dealing with people who aren't. **

(5:30) LMAO pretty much.

(5:33) Hey, can I ask a sort of weird question?

**(5:35) Sure?**

(5:37) What are we, exactly? Like, how do we classify whatever this is with us?

**(5:40) Fuck if I know.**

(5:42) Ok. I just wondered.

**(5:44) Wrench, come on. I can tell you want to say something. Just say it.**

(5:45) Fine. I want to date you. I really like you, and I know you like me. Plus I already know you think I'm hot. ;)

(5:46) So let's do this.

**(5:47) I'm, like, 12 years older than you. That doesn't bother you at all?**

(5:49) I honestly do not give a single, solitary shit about that. I like you, I can talk to you, and I desperately want to get to know you better.

(5:51) OK?

(5:56) Numbers?

**(5:57) Yeah. OK. Let's do it.**

(5:59) Oh my god I'm grinning like an idiot right now.

**(6:00) Me too, actually.**

(6:01) Yeah?

**(6:01) Yeah. It's been a long time since I've been a boyfriend. Cards on the table, I'm freaking out a little.**

(6:02) In a good way?

**(6:03) Can't tell yet. But probably.**

(6:05) I'll take that. :)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm nowhere near finished with these two, don't think that them meeting up once is gonna end this fic! These fellas still have a ways to go yet!


	5. Ainsworth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (9:34) So how did your date go? Did you tell him your name? Did you do romantic shit like a candlelit dinner with a bottle of wine or did you just smash uglies?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual-  
> Numbers text is in bold  
> Letters text is in italics  
> Aussie's text is in underlined italics  
> Wrench's text is regular

_(9:34) So how did your date go? Did you tell him your name? Did you do romantic shit like a candlelit dinner with a bottle of wine or did you just smash uglies?_

**(9:38) Christ, woman. And no, we're not sharing names.**

_(9:40) So what does he call you? Please don't say 'Mr. Big'._

**(9:41) Numbers.**

_(9:43) Numbers? That's different. So what does that make me? Letters?_

**(9:44) … Kind of, in a way.**

_(9:44) So are you going to see him again? Preferably when I'm in town to eavesdrop from my bedroom??_

**(9:46) You are 100% welcome to try overhearing our conversations.**

_(9:48) Oh no, does this mean he's boring like you?_

**(9:50) I'm not boring!**

_(9:53) ...Said the man who considers reorganizing his bookshelf 'fun' and gets actively excited when the herbs in your little garden produce more than expected._

**(9:55) You make me sound like a retired librarian.**

_(9:55) Just calling it like I see it. Now stop stalling, tell me how it went!_

**(9:56) It went fine.**

_(9:59) Don't make me beat it out of you, darling. It's so boring in Duluth and you're my only distraction. Now dish, god dammit! Tell me everything!_

**(10:02) I picked him up, we ate, we watched a movie, we fucked, we went to bed. The next morning he left. That's it.**

_(10:03) !!!!!!_

_(10:03) What kind of cake do you want for your 'Numbers got laid party'?_

**(10:04) NO.**

_(10:05) YES. YOU CANNOT STOP ME._

**(10:07) I will do pretty much anything to keep this from happening.**

_(10:08) Let me meet him, then! I wanna see the hunk of man-meat that got my best friend his groove back!_

**(10:10) Oh my God. Fine. Deal. Just promise you won't be weird.**

_(10:12) Excuse you, I am not weird! I am a delight!_

_(10:13) So when are you gonna see him again? When do I get to meet him?_

**(10:15) I don't know. We haven't set anything up yet. Fargo's got some back to back jobs for me coming up, so it might be a little while.**

_(10:16) Booooooooo._

**(10:18) Take it up with your plaything, he's the one who hands out assignments.**

_(10:19) Oh, I will._

_-_

(9:45) Sleeping alone feels extra-lonely after spending the night with you. Maybe I should draw a beard on my pillow.

**(9:48) I don't know how to respond to that.**

(9:50) I guess I don't really need a response. Just for you to know I miss you already. When can I see you next?

**(9:51) Not sure. Work's picking up and I might have to go to Oklahoma, which I am not thrilled about.**

(9:53) Oklahoma's not so bad. I mean, it's not great, either, but it's at least warmer than here.

**(9:55) You from there?**

(9:58) God no. I used to have cousins there so I'd spend the majority of tornado season right in the fucking middle of tornado alley.

(9:59) My family is not comprised of very smart people.

**(10:01) Is your family the type to sit on the front porch and watch tornadoes with a beer in hand?**

(10:03) Beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, yeah. Hammer gets mad when I say it, but honestly we are such white trash it's not even funny.

**(10:04) Has no one in your family ever seen Twister?!**

(10:07) That was loooong before that movie, and even then I'm pretty sure that just made 'nado watching 'cooler' to them.

**(10:10) I was in a tornado zone exactly one time in my life and I was pretty sure I was going to die. I just sat in the basement getting wasted off my ass.**

**(10:12) If I was going to die by being sucked up into the sky, I was not gonna be sober for it.**

(10:14) I'm with you on that. Death by tornado has got to be one of the worst ways to go, along with burning to death and being dissolved alive by acid.

**(10:16) Who the hell is dissolving people alive by acid? Is that a thing that's happening? Because that seems like an unnecessarily complicated way to kill someone.**

(10:19) Man, I don't know. Batman villains?

**(10:21) Oh my God, you giant nerd. Please tell me your bedroom isn't full of action figures.**

(10:23) No, I don't have any. That would be pretty cool, though.

**(10:25) 'Cool' isn't the word I would use, but that's neither here nor there. So you read comic books, then?**

(10:27) When I can get my hands on them, sure. Books are longer, so I prefer those. Comics you get, like, maybe 20 pages and then you have to wait a month to find out what happens next.

**(10:30) Books or movies, then?**

(10:34) Books. I like trying to imagine what stuff looks like instead of being shown crappy computer effects and stuff. All the explosions are bigger in my head than they ever are on screen.

(10:35) How about you?

**(10:36) I think they both have their merits, but books are more portable. Hard to watch a movie while on a bus or train or something.**

(10:38) Yeah! Exactly!

(10:49) So what are you up to today? Anything interesting?

**(10:51) Not really. I'm still in bed, to be honest. I might get up and go to the gun range later, but right now my bed is warm and comfortable and I'm busy talking to you.**

(10:52) Gun range, huh? You a good shot?

**(10:54) Pretty good. Not as good as CAP, though. That woman is a tremendous shot, which I suppose is a byproduct of being a massive gun nerd.**

(10:56) She sounds really cool. Kind of insane, but really cool.

**(10:58) She is most definitely both of those things. I swear she keeps guns and bottles of lube stashed in almost every drawer and cupboard in our house.**

(11:00) LMAO what the hell??

**(11:01) I don't know. I really don't know. I don't think I want to. So long as they're only being used when I'm out of town I'm cool with it.**

(11:02) And I thought my grandma hiding whiskey everywhere was weird!

**(11:04) THAT kind of grandma, huh? Was she one of the tornado watchers too?**

(11:06) God yes. She'd also throw her teeth at children that annoyed her. Come to think of it, she might be my favorite relative.

**(11:08) That definitely sounds like CAP as an old lady.**

(11:10) Do you think she'll like me?

**(11:11) CAP? She likes you already and hasn't even met you. I doubt you could say or do much to get her to dislike you at this point.**

(11:13) Yeah?

**(11:15) Oh yeah. She keeps asking how you are and if this is a “how stella got her groove back' scenario where you're the young and hot plaything and I'm Angela Bassett.**

(11:16) And what do you tell her?

**(11:17) 'Fuck off', mostly.**

(11:19) LMAO. Well, I gotta get ready for the afternoon shift. Another day of blood and gore and micromanagement.

**(11:21) Enjoy that minimum wage drivel as I lounge around and do as I please.**

(11:22) You jerk! :p

-

**(6:44) Should I make pasta or fish for dinner?**

(6:46) Depends on if you want your house to smell like fish, I guess?

**(6:47) Good point. Alfredo it is. How was your day?**

(6:48) Boring. When we don't have work I lie around reading and when we do have work it's just monotonous labor.

(6:50) Every day kind of blurs together, and the only thing that differentiates them is whether or not I have to put on a uniform in the morning.

**(6:51) If you could do anything else, forgetting background checks and all that shit, what would you rather be doing?**

(6:54) I'm not sure. Something outside. Maybe with animals. Something where I could work fairly independently without a supervisor breathing down my neck. Park Ranger, maybe?

(6:56) What about you? If you could choose a new career, what would it be?

**(6:58) I'm not sure. Starving musician, probably.**

(6:59) I saw the guitar at your place, I wasn't sure if it was yours or CAP's.

**(7:00) Mine. Sometimes I write music, too. I've got a fuckton of cassette tapes I made a few years ago gathering dust somewhere.**

(7:02) Could I borrow them sometime?

**(7:04) …Sure? You understand why I'm a little confused by this request, right?**

(7:06) I plan on turning up the volume and feeling the vibrations. If you've got lyric sheets I'd love those, too.

**(7:08) I think I'll try to figure out which songs vibrate the best and put them on a mixtape for you, then.**

(7:10) Thanks! I'm excited for it! So how long have you been playing?

**(7:11) Since I was a teenager. I was such a stereotype, just an awkward sad sack that smoked a lot of weed and wrote acoustic songs and poetry about girls who didn't look my way.**

(7:13) I think everybody was a sort of miserable stereotype in high school.

**(7:14) So what were you, then?**

(7:16) Jock. I played football with Hammer, did some wrestling, too. Most of my time was spent in a gym or on a field.

**(7:17) Of course you were. I don't even know why I'm surprised, you being built the way you are. I bet you were an unstoppable force on the field.**

(7:19) Me and Ham together were sort of a menace to the other team, yeah. Like a brick wall coming at you from two different directions.

**(7:21) Sounds terrifying. You two noogie nerds in between classes, too?**

(7:23) LMAO, no. I mean, Hammer did, yeah, but I mostly kept to myself and stuck to gym and the art room during free periods.

**(7:25) Oh boy, an artsy, sensitive jock, huh? You are exactly the type that would have broken my heart back then.**

(7:27) Oh yeah?

**(7:27) Well, I mean I would have been in college when you were busy being an artistic athlete, so it would have been massively creepy, what with the age difference.**

(7:29) I keep forgetting about that. It's, what, 12 years difference?

**(7:31) Something like that.**

(7:32) I would have loved to have seen you in college. I can imagine you playing your guitar in a quad or something.

**(7:34) That is disturbingly accurate. I played an awful lot of Simon and Garfunkel for nostalgia's sake.**

(7:36) Those are the turtleneck guys?

**(7:38) Ha, yeah, pretty much. Real mellow acoustic stuff.**

(7:40) Is that what your music is like now?

**(7:42) No, not really. It's hard to define, genre-wise. There's sort of a softer classic rock vibe to it I guess? With light pop? I don't know. I can't come up with a concise label for it.**

(7:43) Spoken like a true artist.

**(7:45) I can't tell if you're making fun of me.**

(7:46) Only a little. ;)

**(7:48) You're a punkass kid, you know that?**

(7:50) You like my punk ass, though. :p

**(7:52) I do, which is the only reason I'm laughing and not telling you to fuck off into a lake.**

(7:54) I feel so special. I get the feeling you tell people to fuck off a lot.

**(7:55) Sometimes it's the only words I say out loud all day.**

(7:56) LMAO you grumpy old asshole, why am I not surprised?

**(7:57) I'm a crabby old man. Run while you can.**

(7:59) Never. <3

-

(6:12) Do you mind if I vent at you?

**(6:15) By all means.**

(6:16) Hammer got us fucking fired from the slaughterhouse. Apparently one of the women he kept bringing over was the supervisor's wife.

(6:19) I guess the super saw them fucking in an alley behind a bar and couldn't tell which one of us it was and just let us both go.

(6:21) I'm so pissed, we needed that job! And somehow he manages to fuck it up for not just him but me as well! And we were totally under the table so it's not like we can fight it or anything.

(6:24) God fucking dammit, that idiot keep saying having you around is gonna compromise us and yet he does hit like this and doesn't see what a hypocrite he is!

(6:25) Sorry, I'm sorry, I just needed to unload. I'm so fucking frustrated and scared about what's going to happen to us.

**(6:26) You don't have anything else lined up?**

(6:28) Not really, no. I've got a little bit saved up so we'll be ok for a month or so, hopefully we can find something before that's up.

**(6:30) Hang on.**

(6:31) ?

-

**(6:33) Hey, we still short a few bodies for the Ainsworth run?**

_ (6:36) Why? You got someone? _

**(6:38) Maybe. Is there an opening or not?**

_ (6:40) Yeah, mate. Spoon and Salt are doing a nickel over in Sioux Falls, so we're short a few delivery guys. _

**(6:41) What's the cargo?**

_ (6:42) Does it matter? _

**(6:42) Normally, no, but I feel like I'm gonna get asked.**

_ (6:45) You're not normally the type to entertain questions. You tell people to fuck off and not worry about it all the time. _

**(6:46) It's different this time.**

_ (6:48) Ooooh is this your little boyfriend? Eh? _

**(6:50) Oh my God she did not tell you about that.**

_ (6:51) Of course she fuckin' did, she's ecstatic for ya! Good on ya for finally getting some dick! No worries, I'm not about to tell anybody. Lord knows I can't judge. _

**(6:53) Just tell me what the load is you squirrely little wombat fucker.**

_ (6:54) Heavy weapons and ammo. We'll provide the rig, of course. Big ol SUV with a radar detector and police scanner, naturally. _

_ (6:56) And I will have you know I have done loads of weird shit, but sexual congress with a wombat is not one of them. _

**(6:58) Ugh. I don't want to imagine the nasty garbage you've been up to. When's the load due?**

_ (6:59) Couple days, so if you could lock down a driver and backup ASAP I'd be in your debt. _

**(7:01) Damn right you will be. OK, lemme try to clinch this and I'll get back to you.**

_ (7:03) Righto. _

-

**(7:02) How do you feel about doing some slightly-less-than-legal work?**

(7:03) Like what, exactly?

**(7:05) Driving an SUV full of boxes to Ainsworth, dropping it off, and coming back.**

(7:06) That's it?

**(7:08) Well, I mean, don't get caught by cops and don't attract attention. But yeah, that's it. It's a two man job, so you'll both get paid.**

(7:10) How much?

**(7:11) Thousand each, plus food, lodging, gas. You in?**

(7:13) I want to say yes, but, like, it's not something really dangerous we're moving, right? Like bombs or anthrax or whatever?

**(7:14) No, nothing like that.**

(7:17) OK. I can definitely get Hammer to agree to this, so long as I don't mention you're behind it. When do you need us?

**(7:19) Soon as possible. I can get you a meeting with Aussie so he can check you both out and get you in on this.**

(7:20) Thank you for all of this. We won't let you down.

**(7:23) It's not me you have to worry about letting down. It's around 350 miles to Ainsworth, so just keep your head down, keep driving, and don't do anything stupid.**

(7:24) Understood. Thank you so much. <3

-

**(7:25) Got your drivers. I'll send them your way. Not a goddamn word to anyone about my involvement, you hear me? I had nothing to do with it.**

_ (7:28) If you say so, although I think people 'round here would be more comfy with outsiders if they knew you were vouching for 'em. _

**(7:31) One of them hates my guts and doesn't exactly know I got them the job, so I'm thinking it's best nobody knows but us.**

_ (7:34) Ahh, one of those proud macho types, eh? Won't take a life preserver from ya even when drowning? Mum's the word, then. It'll stay between you and me. _

**(7:36) It fucking better.**

-

**(9:50) How did your meeting with the Aussie go?**

(9:52) Pretty good, I think. He doesn't know I'm deaf, does he?

**(9:53) I didn't feel the need to mention it, no.**

(9:55) OK. Hammer said not to let him know so he couldn't back out of hiring us, but I just wanted to be sure.

**(9:56) People do that?**

(9:58) Yeah. You'd be amazed how many people think deaf people are helpless. But anyways, the meeting went well. We take off tomorrow.

(10:01) I'm really, really grateful for this. You keep doing so much for me and there's really nothing I can do for you.

**(10:03) You taking the job got that weird little desk jockey in my debt. This is entirely a win/win situation.**

(10:05) Ah, well in that case, you're welcome. ;)

(10:07) Oh, speaking of that guy being weird, is he normally that touchy?

**(10:09) Touchy?**

(10:11) He kept touching us. Like, rubbing our backs a little, putting an arm around our shoulders, and he touched my chest, like, twice. Is that normal for him?

**(10:13) I don't think he's ever touched me anywhere but my hand for, like, shaking hands. He must have been checking for wires.**

(10:15) Oh, that makes sense, I guess. Hammer was super freaked out by it, but he managed to not lose it too bad during the meeting. Thank God.

**(10:17) I'm glad it all worked out. I imagine you're heading out early? You'll want to sleep soon, probably.**

(10:19) Yeah, I'm doing all the driving on the way down and Ham's gonna listen to the police scanner and navigate. Not complaining, I've really missed driving.

(10:20) Oh! And we got new ID's! So thanks for that! You're now texting a Mr. Travis Powers. Anyways, goodnight!

**(10:22) Goodnight. Let me know when the hand-off is over so I know you're on track.**

(10:24) I will. Promise.

-

**(10:23) Did you seriously grope those two in your office today?!**

_ (10:25) First of all, it was not groping. More like 'friendly touching'. Second, you never warned me they were hot. Third, you never warned me they were hot TWINS. What's a poor, lonely bloke to do? _

**(10:27) Keep his hands to his goddamn self, for one.**

_ (10:29) Oh, fine. Ruin my fun. So which one is yours? The fidgety one or the quiet one? _

**(10:31) Quiet one. Fidgety, huh?**

_ (10:33) I've never seen someone go from cocky to uncomfortable so quickly. Like deflating a balloon, almost. It was kind of cute, watching him be all awkward. _

**(10:35) I almost wish I could have seen that.**

_ (10:37) It was great. Most fun I've had since your room mate took off for Duluth.  _

_ (10:38) Glad you got those guys to agree to come in, I don't know what would have happened if we couldn't get that shit down in time. Topeka would be pissed. _

**(10:39) It hasn't been delivered yet, save your thanks for when they drop that shit off and return our rig.**

_ (10:41) True enough. Either way, nicely done finding some fresh meat. If they do well enough on this job, Tripoli's thinking of giving them other jobs. _

**(10:43) That so?**

_ (10:45) Not every day you get giant, mean-looking identical twins. Could be good assets if they end up being reliable.  _

**(10:47) Just give 'em the option to back out, alright? None of that entrapment shit you pulled with Bridge. That nearly got us all killed.**

_ (10:50) Oh, believe me, lesson fuckin' learned there, darl. I doubt I could survive an angry altercation with those two anyhow. _

**(10:52) Good. Lemme know if anything comes up with the Ainsworth gig. If something goes sideways, I want to be able to get in and take care of shit.**

_ (10:55) No worries, it'll all go smooth. Cops have been bribed, the shipment is already paid for, it's a cakewalk. Now go to sleep and quit fussing, you sound like my Mum. _

**(10:56) Is this the same mother that used to wrestle alligators for money and punched a shark?**

_ (10:57) I've only got the one, mate. _

-

(6:30) We're heading out now. I'll let you know when we're finished.

**(6:39) Be safe.**

(6:40) Always. :)

-

(2:33) Don't freak out, but we ran into some trouble.

**(2:35) Define 'trouble'.**

(2:38) We went to do the handoff, and one of the guys we were giving the boxes to kept talking to me, but I didn't notice. He got mad, thought I was being rude, and freaked out on us.

(2:40) Hammer tried to brush it off, told him we were there to make a handoff and not to socialize, but that made it worse and the angry guy pulled a gun.

(2:42) We managed to get out OK, Mr. Jergen said to lay low while he settles things with the people we were making the handoff to.

(2:45) He said we didn't do anything wrong, I guess that guy is known for being hotheaded. I don't want to freak you out, but I thought you'd want to know.

**(2:48) What did the hothead look like?**

(2:50) Oh, come on. Don't do this.

**(2:52) I'm not doing anything! I just want to know if it's the same guy I'm thinking it is.**

(2:53) Tiny guy, maybe 5'3”? Big diamond earring and silver front tooth.

**(2:55) Ugh, I hate that prick. You've just had the displeasure of meeting Mr. North. If I'd known he was going to be there, I never would have volunteered you for this job.**

(2:57) We needed the job! And it turned out OK! A little scary for a while, but we're holed up in a Motel 6 and pretty safe. We're just waiting on Mr. Jergen's go-ahead to come home.

**(2:59) Were you chased?**

(3:02) A little bit, yeah. It's really fine. We're fine. It wouldn't be worth mentioning except I feel like you'd be pissed if I didn't.

**(3:03) You're right, I would be. North's fucking lucky I wasn't there, I'dve put a bullet in his brain for pulling shit like that.**

(3:05) Yeah, well, Hammer is pretty fucking pissed he didn't do that himself. So you've got that in common.

**(3:07) I'm willing to bet the list of commonalities ends there, though.**

(3:09) Thank god. I'm not sure I'd want to date someone who's a lot like my brother.

**(3:11) And I'm not sure I'd want to date someone who wanted to date someone who is a lot like their brother.**

(3:13) Then clearly we're perfect for each other. ;)

(3:16) OK, Hammer says Mr. Jergen's given us the go-ahead to come home. Will you be in Fargo when we get back?

**(3:17) Unlikely. I'm hopping on a plane to Tulsa in four hours. Should be gone for about a week. Try to stay safe until I get back, all right?**

(3:19) I'll do my best. You be safe too, huh? I've got a slightly better idea of what your job entails now, and I can't help but worry about you now that I know what I know.

**(3:21) I have been doing this for a very long time. I know how to handle myself. It's cute that you're worried, though.**

(3:23) Can't help it. I'll talk to you later?

**(3:25) Of course.**

-

_(3:44) You're welcome._

**(3:45) Oh God what did you do**

_(3:47) I just got you some time off at the end of the month for your birthday! Be grateful, fuckface!_

**(3:49) You're still insisting on celebrating that, huh?**

_(3:51) There's just no pleasing you, is there?_

**(3:53) I'd be more pleased if you told me that my birthday present was you not acknowledging it's my birthday in any way, shape, or form.**

_(3:55) Prepare to be disappointed!_

**(3:57) Just promise you won't hire a stripper this year.**

_(3:59) I won't hire a stripper this year._

**(4:00) Getting Jergen to pop out of a cake naked is also off-limits.**

_(4:01) It's as if you don't even WANT to have fun!_

**(4:03) I swear to God if you try anything stupid I will kill you and make it look like Bismarck did it.**

_(4:04) Define 'stupid'._

**(4:07) If you even need to ask, it's probably stupid.**

_(4:09) Hmmmm. Don't worry, I'm going to find a way to make it a memorable birthday AND keep you from shooting me in the back of the head._

**(4:11) Depending on what you end up doing, it may not be a headshot I get you with.**

_(4:13) Oh ye of little faith. It's going to be fine you cantankerous old fuck. Just calm the fuck down and let me work my magic._

**(4:15) Last time I did that I woke up duct taped to a burro. I still don't know where you got a burro.**

_(4:17) HA! I had forgotten about that! No burros this year, I promise. Now chill the fuck out. Smoke a bowl or pop a xanax or something. It's all going to be fine._

**(4:19) It feels like a lot of people have been telling me 'it's going to be fine' lately, which means something awful is going to happen.**

_(4:23) Oh my god, that thing I said about smoking a bowl? Do it. Get in a bubble bath. Bliss out. Take your new plaything home and get laid. For fucks sake, you are wound so tight lately!_

**(4:24) 'Plaything' is out on a job for Fargo, you're threatening me with a birthday party I don't want, and I've been dry for a month. So yeah, I'm not having a good time over here.**

_(4:27) Awwwww Mister Numbers, are you worried about your ickle bitty boyfriend getting an owie out in the field? Jergen told me about the job, it's training wheels. He'll be fine._

_(4:29) Also- TWINS?! I hope you get Eiffel Tower'd! Do it for science! Do it for ME! Take lots of artsy photos of it!_

**(4:30) If I could reach through my phone and slap you, I would.**

_(4:31) You are, like, impossible to comfort. Go take a nap, grandpa. I've got some party planning to do._

-

_(4:32) WRENCH!_

(4:33) Hello?

_(4:35) It's Numbers' room mate! IDK what codename he saddled me with._

(4:37) Oh! Hi! What's up?

_(4:39) The old man turns 38 at the end of the month, and this is me conspiring with you to meet up with us and get a drink!_

(4:40) Does he know you're doing this?

_(4:42) No, hence the word 'conspiring'._

(4:44) I get the feeling he's gonna hate this.

_(4:44) He's gonna pretend to hate this. He'll be thrilled you're there._

(4:46) If you say so...

_(4:48) I do, darling. Two Saturdays from now we're all meeting at the Irish bar at the west side of town. You know the one?_

(4:50) Yeah, I know it. Should I bring anything?

_(4:53) If you want to. I recommend either bringing a decent Pinot Noir or just showing up in a glittery g-string. I'm strongly in favor of the latter._

(4:55) I wouldn't even know where to buy a g-string, glittery or otherwise...and I have no idea what constitutes a 'decent' pinot noir.

_(4:47) A roll of film, then. Black and white, preferably. He's pretty into photography. I'm surprised our house isn't filled with framed nude portraits of you yet._

(4:49) LMAO! I wouldn't let him do that to you.

 _(4:51)_ _Oh, darling, who said I'd mind? ;)_

 

**Author's Note:**

> More is coming, I promise!


End file.
